I sit on my bed,
Looking out at my view, through the opened French doors
As the sun goes down, I watch it seep through parts of the cloudy sky, while others gracefully float on by.
A soft breeze is welcomed, temporarily distracting me from a humid summer's afternoon.
Listening to the meditative sounds of sacred earth, helps me to feel at peace .
As the sun goes down, I see all the pretty lights, glow in the suburb before me.
In front of them is a dead tree, but its interesting contours, give it an art exibit feel.
I notice my surroundings how they appear to me now.
In these moments there is no need to speak, or even think.
I see, that being in the present moment, is all there really is.
Does a future actually exist?
And does the past really matter?
Being in the present, seems so much simpler, yet I know I'll complicate things again with my fluttering thoughts and believing each one to be true.
Why do we as humans feel the need to think all the time?
Reminiscing over the past and worrying about the future,
when the things we worry about may not even come into fruition, let alone the future itself.
If we give ourselves that moment,
to be in the moment,
We can then feel what we're always searching for...
Inner peace.
Written 13/12/08
Age 28
Saturday, March 7, 2009
THE SOCIABLE ME
Reminiscing about the past
About who I used to be
The sociable out going girl
Feeling forever lost within me.
Spontaneously approaching anyone for a friendly chat
And a bit of playful fun
Having a laugh and a joke around
But now I feel that part of me is gone
Although, I know it's still there somewhere
For when my friend's invite me out, I want to say ''yeah,I'm there!''
My mind is as keen as ever
But my body says ''you're not going anywhere!''
So I'll once again suppress my emotions
And tell myself I've changed
Feeling like I'm a passenger passing by on a boat
Saying farewell to this side of me as I stand there and wave
there's tension in my tummy
From lying to myself
Pretending I'm ok with being a ''hermit''
Due to my ill health
I want to shout!
I want to scream!
I want to show everyone
The sociable me!
Yet, my mind reluctantly tells me otherwise
But my body is no fool
They are often at war with each other
And going through this
Is just plain cruel!
The pain, anxiety and frustration I feel
The social interactions and independence the surgeons had to steal
I once had an enjoyable life
Before I fell under the spell of that cold, metal knife
But I will continue to let my mind tell myself that I don't need much of a social life
Although my body knows this isn't the truth as inside it continues to cry
Written 16/08/08
Age 28
About who I used to be
The sociable out going girl
Feeling forever lost within me.
Spontaneously approaching anyone for a friendly chat
And a bit of playful fun
Having a laugh and a joke around
But now I feel that part of me is gone
Although, I know it's still there somewhere
For when my friend's invite me out, I want to say ''yeah,I'm there!''
My mind is as keen as ever
But my body says ''you're not going anywhere!''
So I'll once again suppress my emotions
And tell myself I've changed
Feeling like I'm a passenger passing by on a boat
Saying farewell to this side of me as I stand there and wave
there's tension in my tummy
From lying to myself
Pretending I'm ok with being a ''hermit''
Due to my ill health
I want to shout!
I want to scream!
I want to show everyone
The sociable me!
Yet, my mind reluctantly tells me otherwise
But my body is no fool
They are often at war with each other
And going through this
Is just plain cruel!
The pain, anxiety and frustration I feel
The social interactions and independence the surgeons had to steal
I once had an enjoyable life
Before I fell under the spell of that cold, metal knife
But I will continue to let my mind tell myself that I don't need much of a social life
Although my body knows this isn't the truth as inside it continues to cry
Written 16/08/08
Age 28
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Peace within the pain
I wrote this when i laid on the couch for 2wks with spinal pain...
Feeling peace within the pain.
Sounds odd.
Yet somehow, during the unpleasant feelings, I can ''just be'' at one. I can... ''just be''.
At times a part of me enjoys when I feel quite unwell. For it's these times, I can lay there and appreciate the moment that is now.
I could venture into the past and think ''I should've done this'' or ''not have done that''. But I realise these thoughts will only hinder, not help me.
I could fantasise about the future.
All the things I ''need'' and ''want'' to do, but when I'm in this state, I am often too lazy to put those thoughts in motion. When I do, I tend to grasp at the future events, making myself feel anxious and eager to get back out there to try and fulfill my arranged plans, hoping to receive the desired outcome.
I have learnt in my life that plans often don't go the way they were supposed too. I didn't plan to have some degree of disability after an un-necessary surgery procedure. I could shower myself properly the morning I went into hospital, that afternoon onwards I couldn't.
Gradually, using my hands less due to chronic unrelenting pain, I now have hands that a virtually just for show.
As a young, extroverted girl who loved the independence, social interactions and just to be able to dance, run, enjoy a casual stroll and get up and do anything and go anywhere, has, in one fowl swoop been taken from me somewhat. Though thankfully, I am not completely dependent and am forever grateful and feel blessed to still have the chance to dream!
When I ''relax'' on the couch, in the agony of my physical pain, theres no need for nostalgia. It is past and it wont help me now!
Thinking of what may lie ahead, may never come.
I can now feel at peace, just being here.
I don't have to push myself to do this and do that.
Even when I enjoy my activities, my body constantly reminds me that I have a tumour. The flat mate, my mother named ''Tim'', is persistant in continuing to live with me, even though, everyone wants him to move out!
Even though, I can never seem to escape him, Its so nice not having to face ''the world outside'' sometimes.
I can just lay here and read, listen to some pleasing music, watch a funny movie, or express myself through writing. All the while having nutritious tasty meals served to me, to satisfy my healthy appetite, from someone who loves me.
When the pain's quite severe, its easy to start going over the ''what ifs''. ''what if'' I'm getting worse, ''what if'' this is the last time I'll walk, ''what if '' I die young, ''WHAT IF'', ''WHAT IF''... I am now learning to replace these thoughts with yeah, well, ''what if'' these things happen? Yes it would make things harder, no I don't want to suffer anymore, but for whatever reason, I've been given a life with a strong amount of suffering, and I've learnt to deal with that the best way I can.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad etc, sometimes I go with it. Sometimes I hide behind some codeine, to help take the edge off, but to also give me that stoned sleepy feeling, so I can escape from this life, for a few hours. However, Other times, I realise the emptiness in it all.
I'm intelligent enough, to know the existence in things to be true are often false, including the reflection I see in the mirror. Although, being aware of it intellectually and feeling it as a sense are quite different. If we could all ''feel'' the emptiness and impermanence, we would all be in a state of equality. Nothing would bother us or hurt us any more.
Sometimes I feel this peace, when the pain is quite severe.
I fought the changes for nine years, though, its been more intense the last three and a half. Finally, I have stopped rebelling and fighting the deterioration of my body. I am now more accepting and embracing as there is nothing more I feel I can do.
I am aware there's a chance I could continue to decline. Am i being negative? no. Just realistic.
However, it doesn't make a thought like that any easier, at any age, but i think even more so, when your're young. Especially, socialising with others that are of similar age, with no apparent health problems... Yet.
Although, I can no longer waste energy on comparing myself to my friends or other young people, wishing for the ''old me'' to return, watching others, thinking, ''I could do that once'', or ''I used to take that for granted, like you do now'' or ''something so simple to you, which used to be for me, isn't so simple now'' etc, etc.
I need to realise, that everything passes, including who I used to be.
I've now had my time to grieve, and it is now time to let go and move on. I have to learn to love myself for I am now, then I can enjoy the present quality of my life.
After all, this life is impermanent, myself, loved ones and all surroundings. So I can choose to flow with it, bringing some relief or I can resist, bringing further suffering, until I reach the culmination of this life.
I am fortunate in the sense, that ive been given the opportunity, to ponder over my own mortality. Because we all know that all of us will depart at some point, but do we really feel it?
Most of us go to bed assuming we will awake tomorrow. But where is that guarantee?
There are no guarantees, the suns rays will shine through our bedroom window, to let us know, it's the birth of a new day. Or to hear the birds greet each other in a melodious manner. There are no guarantees with anything.
Everything is unstable.
Everything is changing.
So once again, I am glad to be able to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings, and that I have at least one participating member on my right hand (my thumb) to be able to type out my emotions through these words.
I would like to finish by saying, despite any deterioration, i do believe i have the chance and opportunity to reverse the situation and heal myself!
Being quite the determined, stubborn and strong minded person that i am, has actually worked in my favour. It's given me the strength and patience i need to never give in or give up! All hope isn't lost!
I will now sit back into my ''luxury lounge'' and enjoy a nice cup of tea and feel... the peace within the pain.
Written by Harmony
Age 28
Thursday 14/08/08
Feeling peace within the pain.
Sounds odd.
Yet somehow, during the unpleasant feelings, I can ''just be'' at one. I can... ''just be''.
At times a part of me enjoys when I feel quite unwell. For it's these times, I can lay there and appreciate the moment that is now.
I could venture into the past and think ''I should've done this'' or ''not have done that''. But I realise these thoughts will only hinder, not help me.
I could fantasise about the future.
All the things I ''need'' and ''want'' to do, but when I'm in this state, I am often too lazy to put those thoughts in motion. When I do, I tend to grasp at the future events, making myself feel anxious and eager to get back out there to try and fulfill my arranged plans, hoping to receive the desired outcome.
I have learnt in my life that plans often don't go the way they were supposed too. I didn't plan to have some degree of disability after an un-necessary surgery procedure. I could shower myself properly the morning I went into hospital, that afternoon onwards I couldn't.
Gradually, using my hands less due to chronic unrelenting pain, I now have hands that a virtually just for show.
As a young, extroverted girl who loved the independence, social interactions and just to be able to dance, run, enjoy a casual stroll and get up and do anything and go anywhere, has, in one fowl swoop been taken from me somewhat. Though thankfully, I am not completely dependent and am forever grateful and feel blessed to still have the chance to dream!
When I ''relax'' on the couch, in the agony of my physical pain, theres no need for nostalgia. It is past and it wont help me now!
Thinking of what may lie ahead, may never come.
I can now feel at peace, just being here.
I don't have to push myself to do this and do that.
Even when I enjoy my activities, my body constantly reminds me that I have a tumour. The flat mate, my mother named ''Tim'', is persistant in continuing to live with me, even though, everyone wants him to move out!
Even though, I can never seem to escape him, Its so nice not having to face ''the world outside'' sometimes.
I can just lay here and read, listen to some pleasing music, watch a funny movie, or express myself through writing. All the while having nutritious tasty meals served to me, to satisfy my healthy appetite, from someone who loves me.
When the pain's quite severe, its easy to start going over the ''what ifs''. ''what if'' I'm getting worse, ''what if'' this is the last time I'll walk, ''what if '' I die young, ''WHAT IF'', ''WHAT IF''... I am now learning to replace these thoughts with yeah, well, ''what if'' these things happen? Yes it would make things harder, no I don't want to suffer anymore, but for whatever reason, I've been given a life with a strong amount of suffering, and I've learnt to deal with that the best way I can.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad etc, sometimes I go with it. Sometimes I hide behind some codeine, to help take the edge off, but to also give me that stoned sleepy feeling, so I can escape from this life, for a few hours. However, Other times, I realise the emptiness in it all.
I'm intelligent enough, to know the existence in things to be true are often false, including the reflection I see in the mirror. Although, being aware of it intellectually and feeling it as a sense are quite different. If we could all ''feel'' the emptiness and impermanence, we would all be in a state of equality. Nothing would bother us or hurt us any more.
Sometimes I feel this peace, when the pain is quite severe.
I fought the changes for nine years, though, its been more intense the last three and a half. Finally, I have stopped rebelling and fighting the deterioration of my body. I am now more accepting and embracing as there is nothing more I feel I can do.
I am aware there's a chance I could continue to decline. Am i being negative? no. Just realistic.
However, it doesn't make a thought like that any easier, at any age, but i think even more so, when your're young. Especially, socialising with others that are of similar age, with no apparent health problems... Yet.
Although, I can no longer waste energy on comparing myself to my friends or other young people, wishing for the ''old me'' to return, watching others, thinking, ''I could do that once'', or ''I used to take that for granted, like you do now'' or ''something so simple to you, which used to be for me, isn't so simple now'' etc, etc.
I need to realise, that everything passes, including who I used to be.
I've now had my time to grieve, and it is now time to let go and move on. I have to learn to love myself for I am now, then I can enjoy the present quality of my life.
After all, this life is impermanent, myself, loved ones and all surroundings. So I can choose to flow with it, bringing some relief or I can resist, bringing further suffering, until I reach the culmination of this life.
I am fortunate in the sense, that ive been given the opportunity, to ponder over my own mortality. Because we all know that all of us will depart at some point, but do we really feel it?
Most of us go to bed assuming we will awake tomorrow. But where is that guarantee?
There are no guarantees, the suns rays will shine through our bedroom window, to let us know, it's the birth of a new day. Or to hear the birds greet each other in a melodious manner. There are no guarantees with anything.
Everything is unstable.
Everything is changing.
So once again, I am glad to be able to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings, and that I have at least one participating member on my right hand (my thumb) to be able to type out my emotions through these words.
I would like to finish by saying, despite any deterioration, i do believe i have the chance and opportunity to reverse the situation and heal myself!
Being quite the determined, stubborn and strong minded person that i am, has actually worked in my favour. It's given me the strength and patience i need to never give in or give up! All hope isn't lost!
I will now sit back into my ''luxury lounge'' and enjoy a nice cup of tea and feel... the peace within the pain.
Written by Harmony
Age 28
Thursday 14/08/08
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Sweet Serenity
This is my rock where I sit and I dream.
With each life giving breath, i feel more alive, as my lungs inhale the fresh, un-polluted air.
I close my eyes and hear the trickling of the water as it flows freely down the side of the cliff.
I hear each liquid drop,one by one, connecting with the lake below.
I now change my position and lay across the rock.
With my feet on the ground, I draw in the earth energies.
The sun smiles upon me, with its rays gently penetrating my skin, while a soft breeze carefully caresses each individual strand of my hair.
While I peacefully lay there, I look up and gaze at the cumulonimbus clouds looking inviteably like white marshmallows, floating across the pale blue sky.
I wonder if I could cushion myself comfortably in them?
I then look across and am now lured in by the pond beside me.
I rise and walk towards it, as its crystal clear presence, is too hard to resist.
As I approach I notice the trees overhanging above, with their reflections calmly swaying with the movement of the water.
I gradually step in.
My feet feel like they're being massaged by the sand and pebbles below.
I feel the water particles touch every part of my skin, for there is no layer of fabric between us.
I feel free... no restrictions.
Every gentle ripple, washes away any impurities, leaving my body to feel cleansed and alive.
With the rock walls around me, I feel safe as they embrace me like a warm hug.
Leaning against the layered cliff wall, I position myself nicely into the corner.
I observe my mind and become aware of the fleeting thoughts.
Drifting into a meditative state, these images start to subside, bringing a sense of emptiness and peace within.
As I go deeper into the present moment I am captivated more and more by nature's version of music and beauty that appears before me.
Mother nature offers these tranquil surroundings ... Until she is disturbed.
I feel all the elements come together, generously sending out their healing energies to refresh and revitalise my body and mind.
Even though I am alone, I am at one with myself and with nature.
There is a stillness within my heart.
There is harmony.
Written age 28
Fri 11/07/08
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
I FEEL WEIRD
I feel weird.Try to find the words to explain, but... SILENCE... There are none.
There are feelings, but what are they?
Where are they coming from?
What do they mean?
Yet, what I feel doesn't really exist.
I feel nothing.
So what is real?
Which of my emotions are true?
Can I even use the word truth?
What does that even mean? Truth?
I am in the present, but am also absent.
Absent from what? I am not sure.
My mind, body, my surroundings or all of the above, who knows.
Although can I say these things are mine?
Do I own them? No. How can I, when everything is transitory?
With every blink, life changes.
How does it change?
How am I changing?
How can I work this out, when I don't know who I am?
WHO AM I???
What are my beliefs?
Where do my beliefs come from?
How much of it is from the inside?
How much of my conditioning to the world is from what I have been subjected to in my life and surroundings?
How much of what I think is from being bombarded by external conditions?
What are these changes going on within me?
It is like a rapid water fall.
Normally I would grab onto an overhanging branch and hold on tight, but instead, I will dismiss it and flow fast and free with the current.
It is exciting, yet peaceful.
Confusing, yet less clouded.
Tiring, yet rejuvenating.
Emotional, yet empty
The openness helps release anxiety.
I feel less fear.
My old skin is shedding, in preparation for the new.
How and who will I be tomorrow?
Who will I be in a few months, at the end of this year and in a year's time?
Will I finally find the HARMONY within?
I do know that the person I am at this moment, will be different within months to a year, that is One question I don't need to ask, as I am noticing changes from a monthly basis, which seems to have transpired to weekly.
So instead of analyzing everything little thing and trying to answer questions that I'm not even sure what I am asking, I shall continue to open myself to the ride down the waterfall and soak up the pleasant scenery with my inquisitive mind, but only taking in, what I feel is intuitively healthy for me and enjoy the times of peace and serenity and learn to develop more of that and less of the mental, emotional and physical discomfort.
My life has never been dull.
It has been an interesting journey and I know this next phase will, once again, not dissapoint
I will see where it takes me...
Age 28
Written 6/5/08
Friday, May 16, 2008
Felix
My name's FelixI sit here all alone
On this cold concrete floor
I hear nothing but screams & moans
I see a faceless white coat
Approaching me
Will you please be my friend
Can you refrain from hurting me again
I watch the blood drip from their probes
& with my lacerated tongue
I lick my wounded pores
I fall!
Collapsed on the floor
I just cant take anymore
You cant hear my screams
While you watch your TV screens
Are you to busy to HELP me!?
From this, misery
Or am I just a simple monkey?
So I'll just continue to lie here
Sometimes, somewhere I remember
When I wasn't just a number
Happily sucking on my mother's breast in slumber
I was safe & secure
I wonder if I'll see my mummy again...
Or is this how my life will end?
My name's Felix
I sit here all alone
I dream of a hug & being loved
But until then
I'll sit here & wait for you to...
Rescue me
written jan 08
age 27
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Dear Father (Because of you)
this is a song i wrote, to thank my father for all his support over the yearsDear father
There's so many things I’d like to say to you
to thank you for all that you do, for me
There's so many things I’d like to say to you
to thank you for all that you do, for me
Dear father
You’ve never gone astray
You’ve stood by my hurdle all the way
And When I'm scared and want to hide
You're always there by my side
(chorus 1)
Because of you
I can still walk
Because of you
I have the chance to dream
Because of you
And all the help you give
I can look at my future, with a smile
And know that its worthwhile
Because of you
Because of you
I can still walk
Because of you
I have the chance to dream
Because of you
And all the help you give
I can look at my future, with a smile
And know that its worthwhile
Because of you
Dear father
I respect the man you are
You're a loving dad and son
And Even when your own heart bleeds
You're always there for others needs
Dear father
There's a special bond we share
And When you need me, I’ll be there
You have given me a special gift
Of a father that cannot be replaced
(chorus 2)
Because of you
You help the pain to ease
Because of you
My anxiety starts to cease
If it wasn’t for you
I may not have survived,
That time when I felt I could die
It was you who held my hand
As I, laid there and cried
Because of you
Because of you
You help the pain to ease
Because of you
My anxiety starts to cease
If it wasn’t for you
I may not have survived,
That time when I felt I could die
It was you who held my hand
As I, laid there and cried
Because of you
They say a ring is round
And that’s for sure
And that’s how long
I’ll love you for
(chorus 1)
Because of you
Because of you
Because of you
My father, thank you
My father, you are so true
My father, a heart so pure
My father, I love you…
Written Thursday 31/01/08 (age 27)
Monday, May 12, 2008
Mind
I was in an observant mood while i was out one day sitting by the ocean at a local beach. I was looking at all the people around analyzing everyone and observing the nature of life and and how it changes.
Most of us deny the impermanence of things, or if we don't,we still often feel "it won't happen to us" whatever that may be. Anyway, it was interesting watching people, and i had the urge to write something. Without pen or paper, i was glad i had my trusty mobile with me, and i went a texting away...
The mud is thick.
Stuck in it's reluctance to move.
Benign muck.
Thoughts race, going round and round like a washing machine.
It wounds the nerves. They wont subside.
Leaving me to feel physically ill.
Does any of this make sense?
Who knows?
In this crazy world, full of hazy minds, all in a daze.
Take off your rose coloured glasses and look around this sleepy town of parochial minds and one eyed views.
It's you who long for something new, in the misconception of our surrounds.
The grasping of what you see to be untrue, you fool!
The once human form, now transformed into a gluttonous seagull, through the ignorance which was possessed.
Trying to stay afloat in a canoe on the water, as the unsteadiness of the sea is unpredictable.
The ocean topples it over, with no control, you find yourself being dragged helplessly down to the realm below.
The naraks are waiting with hot iron swords, the ghosts with bellies so big and hungry, but with a pin hole for a mouth, no food can be swallowed.
Trying to subdue the mind and stray away from disturbing thoughts and erroneous views.
Feeling the need to escape from what one thinks is reality.
I want to put on my wings and fly away, leaving this body of constriction behind me,
while drifting off in my dreamland of mysticism.
Although, am i already in a dream?
Do i need to be awakened from this sleepy mind of delusions?
Is this all just an illusion?
Things arent always as they appear.
Look beyond and you may see the truth.
Changeable in its nature, this mind we like to call our own.
But how can we, when we have no control?
age 27
Written SUNDAY 26/01/2008
Most of us deny the impermanence of things, or if we don't,we still often feel "it won't happen to us" whatever that may be. Anyway, it was interesting watching people, and i had the urge to write something. Without pen or paper, i was glad i had my trusty mobile with me, and i went a texting away...
The mud is thick.
Stuck in it's reluctance to move.
Benign muck.
Thoughts race, going round and round like a washing machine.
It wounds the nerves. They wont subside.
Leaving me to feel physically ill.
Does any of this make sense?
Who knows?
In this crazy world, full of hazy minds, all in a daze.
Take off your rose coloured glasses and look around this sleepy town of parochial minds and one eyed views.
It's you who long for something new, in the misconception of our surrounds.
The grasping of what you see to be untrue, you fool!
The once human form, now transformed into a gluttonous seagull, through the ignorance which was possessed.
Trying to stay afloat in a canoe on the water, as the unsteadiness of the sea is unpredictable.
The ocean topples it over, with no control, you find yourself being dragged helplessly down to the realm below.
The naraks are waiting with hot iron swords, the ghosts with bellies so big and hungry, but with a pin hole for a mouth, no food can be swallowed.
Trying to subdue the mind and stray away from disturbing thoughts and erroneous views.
Feeling the need to escape from what one thinks is reality.
I want to put on my wings and fly away, leaving this body of constriction behind me,
while drifting off in my dreamland of mysticism.
Although, am i already in a dream?
Do i need to be awakened from this sleepy mind of delusions?
Is this all just an illusion?
Things arent always as they appear.
Look beyond and you may see the truth.
Changeable in its nature, this mind we like to call our own.
But how can we, when we have no control?
age 27
Written SUNDAY 26/01/2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Fly with me
Irridescant rainbows,
glistening in the bubbles
They playfully dance around aimlessly with me
With no direction or concept of time
They are not in a hurry
glistening in the bubbles
They playfully dance around aimlessly with me
With no direction or concept of time
They are not in a hurry
In a state of tranquility
My thoughts subside as I feel free
Drifting off to a sacred place within me
Fly with me
In this fantasy I will be
Fly with me
Fly with me
I spread my wings and drift off
to my own land of harmony
Where colourful flowers blooms
as they sway and smile at me
Shimmery, glittery,
nestled comfortably in the clouds
Hugging me I feel,
safe and sound
Fly with me
In this fantasy land i will be
Fly with me
Fly with me
Fairies that gracefully roam around free
Leaving sparkled reflections in my eyes
As they pass me
Moving flawlessly,
their friendly waves are directed at me
I feel so peaceful here
I never want to leave
Fly with me
In this fantasy i will be
Fly with me
Fly with me
Dont be shy
Escape from the illusion of your mind
Let yourself go
Have a loving embrace to the unknown
Open your heart to having some fun
Come with me to the land of dreams
We'll float amongst the stars
Fly with me
In this fantasy i will be
Fly high with me
Fly with me
Fly with me
To the land of dreams x4
We'll float amongst the stars
age 27
My thoughts subside as I feel free
Drifting off to a sacred place within me
Fly with me
In this fantasy I will be
Fly with me
Fly with me
I spread my wings and drift off
to my own land of harmony
Where colourful flowers blooms
as they sway and smile at me
Shimmery, glittery,
nestled comfortably in the clouds
Hugging me I feel,
safe and sound
Fly with me
In this fantasy land i will be
Fly with me
Fly with me
Fairies that gracefully roam around free
Leaving sparkled reflections in my eyes
As they pass me
Moving flawlessly,
their friendly waves are directed at me
I feel so peaceful here
I never want to leave
Fly with me
In this fantasy i will be
Fly with me
Fly with me
Dont be shy
Escape from the illusion of your mind
Let yourself go
Have a loving embrace to the unknown
Open your heart to having some fun
Come with me to the land of dreams
We'll float amongst the stars
Fly with me
In this fantasy i will be
Fly high with me
Fly with me
Fly with me
To the land of dreams x4
We'll float amongst the stars
age 27
Written Tuesday 29/01/08
I DREAM
this is a song i wrote...
I dream of a tumour free spine
I dream of a life that’s worthwhile
I dream of having no pain at all
This includes, when I sleep, sit and walk
I dream for the numbness to go
I dream to feel things properly with my toes
I dream of being just like you,
To take my body for granted the way that you do
I dream to have perfectly functioning hands
I dream to squeeze a peg again
I dream to have full independence to come
And to have the patience at times when I lack
I dream of a body not so weak
I dream for some weight gain on me
I dream for the pressure to cease
So the nerve and muscle aches may finally ease
I dream for no anxiety
I dream to find peace within me
I dream to reach the age of eighty
And live a long, healthy meaningful life
without this suffering
I dream to live a better life
Written Tuesday 29/01/08
I dream of a tumour free spine
I dream of a life that’s worthwhile
I dream of having no pain at all
This includes, when I sleep, sit and walk
I dream for the numbness to go
I dream to feel things properly with my toes
I dream of being just like you,
To take my body for granted the way that you do
I dream to have perfectly functioning hands
I dream to squeeze a peg again
I dream to have full independence to come
And to have the patience at times when I lack
I dream of a body not so weak
I dream for some weight gain on me
I dream for the pressure to cease
So the nerve and muscle aches may finally ease
I dream for no anxiety
I dream to find peace within me
I dream to reach the age of eighty
And live a long, healthy meaningful life
without this suffering
I dream to live a better life
Written Tuesday 29/01/08
Enter the island
Here is a piece of music written by my neighbour Wayne for a dungeons and dragons game.
He asked me to do the vocal part.
When you listen to it, you can visualise yourself in the fantasy.
Melodic Desire Song
These are lyrics I wrote for a piano piece that my neighbour wrote.When i first met him, he played me various pieces that he put together, including this one.
However, this piece, was one of his least favourites, but as soon as he played it, i found it really touched my heart and reminded me of my love for dancing and music. I knew exactly how i wanted to arrange this piece.
I wrote the Lyrics and assisted with the composition.
I wrote a poetry version prior to this, also called Melodic Desire, which you can read on the previous post.
You can listen to me singing the song by clicking on the mp3 file below.
Melodic Desire.mp3
I have such desire for you,
as I dance around the room.
Goosebumps appear as you kiss my skin,
My heart starts to race when we embrace,
I am mesmerised with your soulful tunes,
nothing makes me feel the way you do.
The more I fall under your spell,
I feel I could fly,
from this natural high.
My sorrows have ceased,
I'm in ecstasy,
I feel free when it's just you and me.
You are what I require,
My melodic desire,
don't ever leave me coz,
I don't know what I'd do,
If I couldn't dance with you.
You are my love that's true.
*age 27*
2007
Saturday, May 10, 2008
melodic desire (poem)
alot of people have found it difficult to understand my obsession with dancing and clubbing, and after i failed to explain how i feel, i eventually wrote this poem.
I feel you flow through me
Bringing warmth to my soul
I feel every part of your essence
As you rush through my veins
And please every one of my senses
I am anxious and excited
To be in your presence
My body flows to your every sound
Bringing warmth to my soul
I feel every part of your essence
As you rush through my veins
And please every one of my senses
I am anxious and excited
To be in your presence
My body flows to your every sound
I feel the people around me
Start to form a crowd
My feet stomp to your base
While my mind drifts off to space
I explore every inch of the dance
While my mind drifts off to space
I explore every inch of the dance
I lift up my arms and embrace you
Objects around me start to disappear
It’s now just you, me and the dance floor
Objects around me start to disappear
It’s now just you, me and the dance floor
Beneath my feet
My pulse rate rises
The more I fall under your spell
The more I feel I could fly
Don’t ever leave me
For I know,
No other way to experience this natural high
My hair becomes wet and messy
Sweat drips from my face
My clothes are that drenched
It’s like I’ve been standing in the rain
But I don’t care
All my emotional pain has ceased
As I keep dancing without despair
I feel you rush through my body
I am instantly uplifted
You make feel so alive
This is something I never want to be deprived from
I am in ecstasy
As I you penetrate all of my senses
And fill every cell in my body
My soul you have possessed
With you I am completely obsessed
Goosebumps appear as you kiss my skin
I become fearless, untouchable, unstoppable
I know others are watching me
I am surrounded by smiles
But I don’t pay any attention
For I have escaped into my own piece of heaven
The energy that consumes me
Is overwhelming
It’s all around me
Everything seems so surreal
Things feel like they’re in slow motion
But at the same time fast paced
My heart continues to race
For I have fallen completely in love with you
Nothing has ever made me feel the way you do
Every movement releases any chains of stress
Bringing peace and harmony within myself
Clearing away any need to feel depressed
SUDDENLY… you stop!
It’s that time of the night I dread
My surroundings become more visible
Everyone has formed a close bond
But that oneness we all shared
Starts to fade away
As reality is fast approaching
We all start to stray
Drifting apart from one another
All of us becoming strangers again
Facing our own inner demons
And we’re back to being handcuffed
By the social network – SOCIETY
I feel you leave through the pores of my skin
NOOO! DON’T LEAVE ME!
The tears swell up in my eyes
I am now filled with emptiness inside
Until the next time we embrace
I’ll reminisce about the time we shared
I look forward to dancing with you again
And feel my body and mind escape
*age 27*
My pulse rate rises
The more I fall under your spell
The more I feel I could fly
Don’t ever leave me
For I know,
No other way to experience this natural high
My hair becomes wet and messy
Sweat drips from my face
My clothes are that drenched
It’s like I’ve been standing in the rain
But I don’t care
All my emotional pain has ceased
As I keep dancing without despair
I feel you rush through my body
I am instantly uplifted
You make feel so alive
This is something I never want to be deprived from
I am in ecstasy
As I you penetrate all of my senses
And fill every cell in my body
My soul you have possessed
With you I am completely obsessed
Goosebumps appear as you kiss my skin
I become fearless, untouchable, unstoppable
I know others are watching me
I am surrounded by smiles
But I don’t pay any attention
For I have escaped into my own piece of heaven
The energy that consumes me
Is overwhelming
It’s all around me
Everything seems so surreal
Things feel like they’re in slow motion
But at the same time fast paced
My heart continues to race
For I have fallen completely in love with you
Nothing has ever made me feel the way you do
Every movement releases any chains of stress
Bringing peace and harmony within myself
Clearing away any need to feel depressed
SUDDENLY… you stop!
It’s that time of the night I dread
My surroundings become more visible
Everyone has formed a close bond
But that oneness we all shared
Starts to fade away
As reality is fast approaching
We all start to stray
Drifting apart from one another
All of us becoming strangers again
Facing our own inner demons
And we’re back to being handcuffed
By the social network – SOCIETY
I feel you leave through the pores of my skin
NOOO! DON’T LEAVE ME!
The tears swell up in my eyes
I am now filled with emptiness inside
Until the next time we embrace
I’ll reminisce about the time we shared
I look forward to dancing with you again
And feel my body and mind escape
*age 27*
19/6/07
SPECIAL FATHER
i wrote this poem for my dad (obviously). i also wrote a song for him, but have chosen not to put the music on here.
You are a son to be proud of
And a father to look up too
You're compassionate, kind and protective
around you i feel safe
you help keep me strong
and leave my mind in a positive head space
you have such admirable qualities
that how could i not respect you
always thinking of everyone else's needs
when at times your own heart bleeds
you have a warm and tenderness side to you
but yet, at the same time
you have a real strength that shines through
and when i am better
i will be there for you
To show you how much i appreciate
everything that you do
but don't forget to be there for yourself
don't neglect your own health
show yourself the same respect you give others
nurture yourself
and see the beauty within
that everyone else can see
including me
Dad,
You are not just my father
You are my best friend
And i know we'll remain that way
Right through to the end
they say a ring is round
And that's for sure
And that's how long
i'll love you for
Love your honourable daughter no.1
Written 18/04/07
26 yrs old
You are a son to be proud of
And a father to look up too
You're compassionate, kind and protective
around you i feel safe
you help keep me strong
and leave my mind in a positive head space
you have such admirable qualities
that how could i not respect you
always thinking of everyone else's needs
when at times your own heart bleeds
you have a warm and tenderness side to you
but yet, at the same time
you have a real strength that shines through
and when i am better
i will be there for you
To show you how much i appreciate
everything that you do
but don't forget to be there for yourself
don't neglect your own health
show yourself the same respect you give others
nurture yourself
and see the beauty within
that everyone else can see
including me
Dad,
You are not just my father
You are my best friend
And i know we'll remain that way
Right through to the end
they say a ring is round
And that's for sure
And that's how long
i'll love you for
Love your honourable daughter no.1
Written 18/04/07
26 yrs old
Friday, May 9, 2008
SAMSARA
The karmic wheel spins again, like waiting for a number on the roulette table, which realm of samsara, will we take birth in this time?
From beginningless times, we’ve had to endure the suffering of countless rebirths and experience all kinds of karma, because we cannot control our mental afflictions of desire, attachment and ignorance.
We are blessed to be born as humans, rather then a hell being, or in the animal realm of ‘eat or be eaten’, but being born into a place of leisure and opportunity, do we use our time wisely?
We’re too concerned with money, sex and power!
These are the most important things to have, or are they?
We work all day, sleep all night and strive to have material possessions. This is what success is based on. But what is success really?
When we pass on from this life, will working hard all our life, until one is sick or old and having all the latest gadgets (that we’re constantly bombarded with by big corporations, that don’t care, who or what they destroy, because they are fueled by their own greed) really mean anything in the end? Is this real success?
Living a simple life and showing love and compassion to all beings, wouldn’t this be considered true success?
Actually making a difference in the world, by bringing love into the hearts of people and animals and respecting our land.
After all, it’s mother earth that supplies us with all our needs and resources, and we show our appreciation, by treating it, like it’s our own personal toilet! People seem to be more concerned with trivial things, such as their vanity or the pain in their little toe, rather than the important things going on in the world.
When we pass on from this life, we leave all our loved ones behind and our possessions, so why have attachment?
Love unconditionally, give generously without expectations.
For it is not us who dies, just the form we take on in this life. When we leave this life, who we are now, will NEVER be here again. We will never come back as the person we’re known to others today. We will be someone entirely different.
However, our mental continuum will carry on to take our next rebirth and depending on how we behave, will determine, how our next life will be and what form we take on.
We are in control of what happens to us, through our thoughts and actions. Karma will continue to exist while we live with cravings and attachment to things, including our own self cherishing (one who cherishes the self, cannot be trusted) The way we see ourselves, the ‘I’, that we so desperately grasp on too, doesn’t really exist, the way we perceive it.
We are but merely a name, that exists for only a certain amount of time.
Being born as a human, we have accumulated much merit. To be beautiful one has created much patience. From ethics comes happiness, joyous effort comes strength and generousity comes resources.
Another thing i'd like to say, is why do we hold on to the past? Would you go through yesterday’s garbage to make tonight’s meal?
And fantasising about the future can bring disappointment, when things don’t go our way.
As John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans”
So live in the now and follow a virtuous path.
Karma is expantial No matter how small the deed (good or bad).
It’s like a seed that’s planted and grows into a huge tree, with many branches. Once planted, nothing can stop the seed, unless other factors come into play and prevent that from happening.
For eg. doing a negative action, will ripen, unless purified.
Search for happiness within, because external conditions or in another term, samsaric pleasures, will only bring temporary happiness.
When suffering from mental anguish or physical pain, know that it will pass, nothing is permanent. I have had my own experiences with this. If one is going through this, know that it will be temporary, no matter how permanent it may seem at the time.
Everything is transient.
Have faith in two of the 4 noble truths which is “there is a cause to suffering and there is cessation of suffering.”
I know, that by feeling depressed, frustrated or angry, will only create more negative karma for myself, therefore, more suffering.
Instead, by helping other’s, helps relieve one’s own pain, because it takes the focus off one’s self. It also teaches us kindness and brings much merit.
If someone behaves badly to another being, this shows a lack of inner contentment. Instead of retaliating in the same manner, and seeing the person as inherently bad or as an enemy, use this person to help develop patience and wisdom.
Practice equanimity to all beings.
All our experiences we go through, are due to our own karmic conditions, ripening at that particular time. Nothing can happen to us, unless we have created the cause to do so.
So stay positive with an open mind, show love and compassion, be generous and follow the path of morality.
Love and blessings
Written 17/03/07
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