THE SOCIABLE ME

Reminiscing about the past
About who I used to be
The sociable out going girl
Feeling forever lost within me.


Spontaneously approaching anyone for a friendly chat
And a bit of playful fun
Having a laugh and a joke around
But now I feel that part of me is gone
Although, I know it's still there somewhere
For when my friend's invite me out, I want to say ''yeah,I'm there!''
My mind is as keen as ever
But my body says ''you're not going anywhere!''


So I'll once again suppress my emotions
And tell myself I've changed
Feeling like I'm a passenger passing by on a boat
Saying farewell to this side of me as I stand there and wave
there's tension in my tummy
From lying to myself
Pretending I'm ok with being a ''hermit''
Due to my ill health
I want to shout!
I want to scream!
I want to show everyone


The sociable me!
Yet, my mind reluctantly tells me otherwise
But my body is no fool
They are often at war with each other
And going through this
Is just plain cruel!


The pain, anxiety and frustration I feel
The social interactions and independence the surgeons had to steal
I once had an enjoyable life
Before I fell under the spell of that cold, metal knife
But I will continue to let my mind tell myself that I don't need much of a social life
Although my body knows this isn't the truth as inside it continues to cry


Written 16/08/08
Age 28

Felix

My name's Felix
I sit here all alone
On this cold concrete floor
I hear nothing but screams & moans

I see a faceless white coat
Approaching me
Will you please be my friend
Can you refrain from hurting me again

I watch the blood drip from their probes
& with my lacerated tongue
I lick my wounded pores

I fall!
Collapsed on the floor
I just cant take anymore
You cant hear my screams
While you watch your TV screens
Are you to busy to HELP me!?
From this, misery
Or am I just a simple monkey?
So I'll just continue to lie here

Sometimes, somewhere I remember
When I wasn't just a number
Happily sucking on my mother's breast in slumber
I was safe & secure
I wonder if I'll see my mummy again...
Or is this how my life will end?

My name's Felix
I sit here all alone
I dream of a hug & being loved
But until then
I'll sit here & wait for you to...
Rescue me

written jan 08
age 27

I DREAM

this is a song i wrote...

I dream of a tumour free spine
I dream of a life that’s worthwhile
I dream of having no pain at all
This includes, when I sleep, sit and walk

I dream for the numbness to go
I dream to feel things properly with my toes
I dream of being just like you,
To take my body for granted the way that you do

I dream to have perfectly functioning hands
I dream to squeeze a peg again
I dream to have full independence to come
And to have the patience at times when I lack

I dream of a body not so weak
I dream for some weight gain on me
I dream for the pressure to cease
So the nerve and muscle aches may finally ease

I dream for no anxiety
I dream to find peace within me
I dream to reach the age of eighty
And live a long, healthy meaningful life
without this suffering

I dream to live a better life

Written Tuesday 29/01/08

Possum Lady

I know you don't see it now
But look at what you've done
You've saved these animals lives
And become their beautiful mum

You've picked them up
When they've been stranded
And held them in your arms
Saving them from the outside world
Protecting them from harm

You've given them another chance
Another chance of life
Without you,
They probably would've died a cold and lonely death
Or been in very big strife

Always playing by your side
Wanting to always be close to you
Knowing that they're loved
And them loving you too

Don't blame yourself
For you can only do your best
Your're not expected to know everything
Especially while your're still learning

Now it is time for them to move on
For karma has come into play
And even though we didn't want them to leave
It wasn't their fate to stay

But at least they have left peacefully
With nothing but love filled in their tum
And before they left on their new journey
They left knowing...
That they had a mum

Written Age 23
10/08/03

"IT'S" back!

I’m out there
What feels all alone
Oblivious to my surroundings
Looking for that safe place
Afraid of the unknown

Corrupting thoughts run through my mind
Then the physical symptoms start to roll
The fight is on to save myself
From the fear of losing control

Sweaty palms and shakiness
My heart starts to pound
I’m so scared I’m going to die or pass out
Every minute feels like an hour

Feeling a sense of derealisation
Seeing stationary objects move
Sensitive to any sound and light
My autonomic nervous system sends signals
Telling me that something’s not right

All of a sudden the fear has gone
And the symptoms start to decrease
Worn out from the physical and emotional turmoil
I think I’m ready for some sleep

Age 22
23/7/02