Peace within the pain

I wrote this when i laid on the couch for 2wks with spinal pain...

Feeling peace within the pain.

Sounds odd.

Yet somehow, during the unpleasant feelings, I can ''just be'' at one. I can... ''just be''.

At times a part of me enjoys when I feel quite unwell. For it's these times, I can lay there and appreciate the moment that is now.
I could venture into the past and think ''I should've done this'' or ''not have done that''. But I realise these thoughts will only hinder, not help me.


I could fantasise about the future.

All the things I ''need'' and ''want'' to do, but when I'm in this state, I am often too lazy to put those thoughts in motion. When I do, I tend to grasp at the future events, making myself feel anxious and eager to get back out there to try and fulfill my arranged plans, hoping to receive the desired outcome.
I have learnt in my life that plans often don't go the way they were supposed too. I didn't plan to have some degree of disability after an un-necessary surgery procedure. I could shower myself properly the morning I went into hospital, that afternoon onwards I couldn't.

Gradually, using my hands less due to chronic unrelenting pain, I now have hands that a virtually just for show.
As a young, extroverted girl who loved the independence, social interactions and just to be able to dance, run, enjoy a casual stroll and get up and do anything and go anywhere, has, in one fowl swoop been taken from me somewhat. Though thankfully, I am not completely dependent and am forever grateful and feel blessed to still have the chance to dream!

When I ''relax'' on the couch, in the agony of my physical pain, theres no need for nostalgia. It is past and it wont help me now!

Thinking of what may lie ahead, may never come.
I can now feel at peace, just being here.
I don't have to push myself to do this and do that.

Even when I enjoy my activities, my body constantly reminds me that I have a tumour. The flat mate, my mother named ''Tim'', is persistant in continuing to live with me, even though, everyone wants him to move out!
Even though, I can never seem to escape him, Its so nice not having to face ''the world outside'' sometimes.
I can just lay here and read, listen to some pleasing music, watch a funny movie, or express myself through writing. All the while having nutritious tasty meals served to me, to satisfy my healthy appetite, from someone who loves me.

When the pain's quite severe, its easy to start going over the ''what ifs''. ''what if'' I'm getting worse, ''what if'' this is the last time I'll walk, ''what if '' I die young, ''WHAT IF'', ''WHAT IF''... I am now learning to replace these thoughts with yeah, well, ''what if'' these things happen? Yes it would make things harder, no I don't want to suffer anymore, but for whatever reason, I've been given a life with a strong amount of suffering, and I've learnt to deal with that the best way I can.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad etc, sometimes I go with it. Sometimes I hide behind some codeine, to help take the edge off, but to also give me that stoned sleepy feeling, so I can escape from this life, for a few hours. However, Other times, I realise the emptiness in it all.

I'm intelligent enough, to know the existence in things to be true are often false, including the reflection I see in the mirror. Although, being aware of it intellectually and feeling it as a sense are quite different. If we could all ''feel'' the emptiness and impermanence, we would all be in a state of equality. Nothing would bother us or hurt us any more.

Sometimes I feel this peace, when the pain is quite severe.

I fought the changes for nine years, though, its been more intense the last three and a half. Finally, I have stopped rebelling and fighting the deterioration of my body. I am now more accepting and embracing as there is nothing more I feel I can do.

I am aware there's a chance I could continue to decline. Am i being negative? no. Just realistic.

However, it doesn't make a thought like that any easier, at any age, but i think even more so, when your're young. Especially, socialising with others that are of similar age, with no apparent health problems... Yet.
Although, I can no longer waste energy on comparing myself to my friends or other young people, wishing for the ''old me'' to return, watching others, thinking, ''I could do that once'', or ''I used to take that for granted, like you do now'' or ''something so simple to you, which used to be for me, isn't so simple now'' etc, etc.

I need to realise, that everything passes, including who I used to be.

I've now had my time to grieve, and it is now time to let go and move on. I have to learn to love myself for I am now, then I can enjoy the present quality of my life.

After all, this life is impermanent, myself, loved ones and all surroundings. So I can choose to flow with it, bringing some relief or I can resist, bringing further suffering, until I reach the culmination of this life.
I am fortunate in the sense, that ive been given the opportunity, to ponder over my own mortality. Because we all know that all of us will depart at some point, but do we really feel it?

Most of us go to bed assuming we will awake tomorrow. But where is that guarantee?

There are no guarantees, the suns rays will shine through our bedroom window, to let us know, it's the birth of a new day. Or to hear the birds greet each other in a melodious manner. There are no guarantees with anything.

Everything is unstable.

Everything is changing.

So once again, I am glad to be able to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings, and that I have at least one participating member on my right hand (my thumb) to be able to type out my emotions through these words.
I would like to finish by saying, despite any deterioration, i do believe i have the chance and opportunity to reverse the situation and heal myself!

Being quite the determined, stubborn and strong minded person that i am, has actually worked in my favour. It's given me the strength and patience i need to never give in or give up! All hope isn't lost!
I will now sit back into my ''luxury lounge'' and enjoy a nice cup of tea and feel... the peace within the pain.

Written by Harmony
Age 28
Thursday 14/08/08

I DREAM

this is a song i wrote...

I dream of a tumour free spine
I dream of a life that’s worthwhile
I dream of having no pain at all
This includes, when I sleep, sit and walk

I dream for the numbness to go
I dream to feel things properly with my toes
I dream of being just like you,
To take my body for granted the way that you do

I dream to have perfectly functioning hands
I dream to squeeze a peg again
I dream to have full independence to come
And to have the patience at times when I lack

I dream of a body not so weak
I dream for some weight gain on me
I dream for the pressure to cease
So the nerve and muscle aches may finally ease

I dream for no anxiety
I dream to find peace within me
I dream to reach the age of eighty
And live a long, healthy meaningful life
without this suffering

I dream to live a better life

Written Tuesday 29/01/08

Karmic Afflictions

Like the absence of rain
So are my days without pain

The sunlight casts over my shadow of gloom
I reach out for it’s essence as my body cries
While my immune system fights hard
To stop the war between good and evil
Controlling the population of the once breeding mutated cells

Feeling like I’m on a rotisserie going round in circles
While a burning flame roars fiercely through my nerves
My muscles feel tight as well
But they also feel like an elastic band being stretched throughout my body
And through my chest

Yet,
if there is no ‘I’

and existence isn’t the way we perceive it to be
Then why does this physical body of pain seem so real?
I feel it’s a raw deal
As I have always tried to cherish others
So why am I being punished?

I sit here in my house
With two windowless walls
I look up and see a wheel chair that was bought for my grandfather
Though through his stubbornness
He refused to use it
So in my lounge room it sits

I wonder was it subconsciously bought for me
Will my legs one day, give way?
To the growth in my spine
Though thankfully it is benign
So I have time to revaluate my life
And rid myself of the negative torments
That I have bestowed upon myself and others
In, not just this life time, but in other lifetimes as well
I mean, it could be worse
I could be a being in the realm of hell

So I will once again drag my weary body out of bed
And face another day
With great determination
That I will conquer this struggle
And know that this is only temporary
Though it feels very permanent
I have to train my mind to feel at ease
To rid myself of this dis-ease

And realise that I am not that different to many people out there
And acknowledging our bodies and minds are intertwined
And whatever we think
Will manifest physically
And believing that most of us are mentally un well
Makes me realise
That I’m not the only one that has to battle with ill health

AGE 27
completed 31/07/07

LURE

I reflect over my life
And think of the good
and not so good times

I know you’ve been there
But I want you to go
Because I don’t care

You make it hard for me
In my everyday life
What do I have to do?
Do I have to go under the knife… AGAIN?

I want to break free from these chains
Don’t need this pain… any longer
Why don’t you refrain
And leave me alone
Because you must go
You have to go!

Whatever you want
I won’t give in
Try as you might
You just won’t win!

So let me be
Let go of this hold
You’ve given me
Move on somewhere else
Let me be free
I want the chance to live my dreams

You’ve been with me
Almost half of my life
Are you trying to cause me strife?

What do you want?
Do you want me to break?
Are you trying to see
How much more I can take?

Do you smile when I’m down?
Do you frown when I smile?
Does everything seem
Like it’s all been worthwhile?

I just want to be free
I just want to be free
When will you go
And just let me be?


*age 25*
April 2006

The importance of LETTING GO!

Born so perfectly
No flaws, that one can see
Things seem to run smoothly
Until, your parents split up
And they move apart
At nine years old,
It’s confusing and breaks your heart

The mother leaves her father
for a man who’s angry and domineering
The father’s girlfriend, also angry
Often taking pills, sitting there with her face in her lap
Yelling at you, calling you a brat

Alcohol abuse every night
Don’t want to be at either home
Because of all the fights

Don’t worry child,
Just cry yourself to sleep

When hanging out with friends
Put on a brave face
Hide the pain
That you try so desperately to erase
Let them think the grass is greener on your side

After ten years of this
You start to feel ill
FINALLY, the girlfriend leaves and so does the abusive boyfriend,
That you moved out with at age sixteen
The mother’s boyfriend is still around
And starts to settle down,
Though still an angry person
But really only towards your mother now

The next several boyfriends, you’re with
Most are drug addicts,
you try and help them
Abusing you’re kindness
They just rip you off
As they drift carelessly, meandering, in and out of jail
Doing the same to others
As they leave their smelly trail

At the age of twenty-three
You’ve had enough of being used and abused
You feel a little more sick each year
From the constant stress
You decide it’s time to put yourself first
Fuck everyone else!
You need to focus on your own health!

At age twenty-four
You find out that something’s growing inside of you
Watching yourself slowly fade away
That could potentially, take your life one day

Suddenly things are put into perspective
Trivial things are no longer selective
Saving yourself, becomes the objective

The first thing to do is let go of old wounds
Heal the mind
Find a spiritual path
And give yourself some time each day to have a good laugh

mum, dad and Nai,
I love you

Robbie
I thankyou

And for all the support
That’s been given to me
From strangers, friends and family

It’s been a hard road
But without your help
I would’ve had no road to walk down…

age 25
28/01/06