Reminiscing about the past
About who I used to be
The sociable out going girl
Feeling forever lost within me.
Spontaneously approaching anyone for a friendly chat
And a bit of playful fun
Having a laugh and a joke around
But now I feel that part of me is gone
Although, I know it's still there somewhere
For when my friend's invite me out, I want to say ''yeah,I'm there!''
My mind is as keen as ever
But my body says ''you're not going anywhere!''
So I'll once again suppress my emotions
And tell myself I've changed
Feeling like I'm a passenger passing by on a boat
Saying farewell to this side of me as I stand there and wave
there's tension in my tummy
From lying to myself
Pretending I'm ok with being a ''hermit''
Due to my ill health
I want to shout!
I want to scream!
I want to show everyone
The sociable me!
Yet, my mind reluctantly tells me otherwise
But my body is no fool
They are often at war with each other
And going through this
Is just plain cruel!
The pain, anxiety and frustration I feel
The social interactions and independence the surgeons had to steal
I once had an enjoyable life
Before I fell under the spell of that cold, metal knife
But I will continue to let my mind tell myself that I don't need much of a social life
Although my body knows this isn't the truth as inside it continues to cry
Written 16/08/08
Age 28
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Peace within the pain
I wrote this when i laid on the couch for 2wks with spinal pain...
Feeling peace within the pain.
Sounds odd.
Yet somehow, during the unpleasant feelings, I can ''just be'' at one. I can... ''just be''.
At times a part of me enjoys when I feel quite unwell. For it's these times, I can lay there and appreciate the moment that is now.
I could venture into the past and think ''I should've done this'' or ''not have done that''. But I realise these thoughts will only hinder, not help me.
I could fantasise about the future.
All the things I ''need'' and ''want'' to do, but when I'm in this state, I am often too lazy to put those thoughts in motion. When I do, I tend to grasp at the future events, making myself feel anxious and eager to get back out there to try and fulfill my arranged plans, hoping to receive the desired outcome.
I have learnt in my life that plans often don't go the way they were supposed too. I didn't plan to have some degree of disability after an un-necessary surgery procedure. I could shower myself properly the morning I went into hospital, that afternoon onwards I couldn't.
Gradually, using my hands less due to chronic unrelenting pain, I now have hands that a virtually just for show.
As a young, extroverted girl who loved the independence, social interactions and just to be able to dance, run, enjoy a casual stroll and get up and do anything and go anywhere, has, in one fowl swoop been taken from me somewhat. Though thankfully, I am not completely dependent and am forever grateful and feel blessed to still have the chance to dream!
When I ''relax'' on the couch, in the agony of my physical pain, theres no need for nostalgia. It is past and it wont help me now!
Thinking of what may lie ahead, may never come.
I can now feel at peace, just being here.
I don't have to push myself to do this and do that.
Even when I enjoy my activities, my body constantly reminds me that I have a tumour. The flat mate, my mother named ''Tim'', is persistant in continuing to live with me, even though, everyone wants him to move out!
Even though, I can never seem to escape him, Its so nice not having to face ''the world outside'' sometimes.
I can just lay here and read, listen to some pleasing music, watch a funny movie, or express myself through writing. All the while having nutritious tasty meals served to me, to satisfy my healthy appetite, from someone who loves me.
When the pain's quite severe, its easy to start going over the ''what ifs''. ''what if'' I'm getting worse, ''what if'' this is the last time I'll walk, ''what if '' I die young, ''WHAT IF'', ''WHAT IF''... I am now learning to replace these thoughts with yeah, well, ''what if'' these things happen? Yes it would make things harder, no I don't want to suffer anymore, but for whatever reason, I've been given a life with a strong amount of suffering, and I've learnt to deal with that the best way I can.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad etc, sometimes I go with it. Sometimes I hide behind some codeine, to help take the edge off, but to also give me that stoned sleepy feeling, so I can escape from this life, for a few hours. However, Other times, I realise the emptiness in it all.
I'm intelligent enough, to know the existence in things to be true are often false, including the reflection I see in the mirror. Although, being aware of it intellectually and feeling it as a sense are quite different. If we could all ''feel'' the emptiness and impermanence, we would all be in a state of equality. Nothing would bother us or hurt us any more.
Sometimes I feel this peace, when the pain is quite severe.
I fought the changes for nine years, though, its been more intense the last three and a half. Finally, I have stopped rebelling and fighting the deterioration of my body. I am now more accepting and embracing as there is nothing more I feel I can do.
I am aware there's a chance I could continue to decline. Am i being negative? no. Just realistic.
However, it doesn't make a thought like that any easier, at any age, but i think even more so, when your're young. Especially, socialising with others that are of similar age, with no apparent health problems... Yet.
Although, I can no longer waste energy on comparing myself to my friends or other young people, wishing for the ''old me'' to return, watching others, thinking, ''I could do that once'', or ''I used to take that for granted, like you do now'' or ''something so simple to you, which used to be for me, isn't so simple now'' etc, etc.
I need to realise, that everything passes, including who I used to be.
I've now had my time to grieve, and it is now time to let go and move on. I have to learn to love myself for I am now, then I can enjoy the present quality of my life.
After all, this life is impermanent, myself, loved ones and all surroundings. So I can choose to flow with it, bringing some relief or I can resist, bringing further suffering, until I reach the culmination of this life.
I am fortunate in the sense, that ive been given the opportunity, to ponder over my own mortality. Because we all know that all of us will depart at some point, but do we really feel it?
Most of us go to bed assuming we will awake tomorrow. But where is that guarantee?
There are no guarantees, the suns rays will shine through our bedroom window, to let us know, it's the birth of a new day. Or to hear the birds greet each other in a melodious manner. There are no guarantees with anything.
Everything is unstable.
Everything is changing.
So once again, I am glad to be able to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings, and that I have at least one participating member on my right hand (my thumb) to be able to type out my emotions through these words.
I would like to finish by saying, despite any deterioration, i do believe i have the chance and opportunity to reverse the situation and heal myself!
Being quite the determined, stubborn and strong minded person that i am, has actually worked in my favour. It's given me the strength and patience i need to never give in or give up! All hope isn't lost!
I will now sit back into my ''luxury lounge'' and enjoy a nice cup of tea and feel... the peace within the pain.
Written by Harmony
Age 28
Thursday 14/08/08
Feeling peace within the pain.
Sounds odd.
Yet somehow, during the unpleasant feelings, I can ''just be'' at one. I can... ''just be''.
At times a part of me enjoys when I feel quite unwell. For it's these times, I can lay there and appreciate the moment that is now.
I could venture into the past and think ''I should've done this'' or ''not have done that''. But I realise these thoughts will only hinder, not help me.
I could fantasise about the future.
All the things I ''need'' and ''want'' to do, but when I'm in this state, I am often too lazy to put those thoughts in motion. When I do, I tend to grasp at the future events, making myself feel anxious and eager to get back out there to try and fulfill my arranged plans, hoping to receive the desired outcome.
I have learnt in my life that plans often don't go the way they were supposed too. I didn't plan to have some degree of disability after an un-necessary surgery procedure. I could shower myself properly the morning I went into hospital, that afternoon onwards I couldn't.
Gradually, using my hands less due to chronic unrelenting pain, I now have hands that a virtually just for show.
As a young, extroverted girl who loved the independence, social interactions and just to be able to dance, run, enjoy a casual stroll and get up and do anything and go anywhere, has, in one fowl swoop been taken from me somewhat. Though thankfully, I am not completely dependent and am forever grateful and feel blessed to still have the chance to dream!
When I ''relax'' on the couch, in the agony of my physical pain, theres no need for nostalgia. It is past and it wont help me now!
Thinking of what may lie ahead, may never come.
I can now feel at peace, just being here.
I don't have to push myself to do this and do that.
Even when I enjoy my activities, my body constantly reminds me that I have a tumour. The flat mate, my mother named ''Tim'', is persistant in continuing to live with me, even though, everyone wants him to move out!
Even though, I can never seem to escape him, Its so nice not having to face ''the world outside'' sometimes.
I can just lay here and read, listen to some pleasing music, watch a funny movie, or express myself through writing. All the while having nutritious tasty meals served to me, to satisfy my healthy appetite, from someone who loves me.
When the pain's quite severe, its easy to start going over the ''what ifs''. ''what if'' I'm getting worse, ''what if'' this is the last time I'll walk, ''what if '' I die young, ''WHAT IF'', ''WHAT IF''... I am now learning to replace these thoughts with yeah, well, ''what if'' these things happen? Yes it would make things harder, no I don't want to suffer anymore, but for whatever reason, I've been given a life with a strong amount of suffering, and I've learnt to deal with that the best way I can.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad etc, sometimes I go with it. Sometimes I hide behind some codeine, to help take the edge off, but to also give me that stoned sleepy feeling, so I can escape from this life, for a few hours. However, Other times, I realise the emptiness in it all.
I'm intelligent enough, to know the existence in things to be true are often false, including the reflection I see in the mirror. Although, being aware of it intellectually and feeling it as a sense are quite different. If we could all ''feel'' the emptiness and impermanence, we would all be in a state of equality. Nothing would bother us or hurt us any more.
Sometimes I feel this peace, when the pain is quite severe.
I fought the changes for nine years, though, its been more intense the last three and a half. Finally, I have stopped rebelling and fighting the deterioration of my body. I am now more accepting and embracing as there is nothing more I feel I can do.
I am aware there's a chance I could continue to decline. Am i being negative? no. Just realistic.
However, it doesn't make a thought like that any easier, at any age, but i think even more so, when your're young. Especially, socialising with others that are of similar age, with no apparent health problems... Yet.
Although, I can no longer waste energy on comparing myself to my friends or other young people, wishing for the ''old me'' to return, watching others, thinking, ''I could do that once'', or ''I used to take that for granted, like you do now'' or ''something so simple to you, which used to be for me, isn't so simple now'' etc, etc.
I need to realise, that everything passes, including who I used to be.
I've now had my time to grieve, and it is now time to let go and move on. I have to learn to love myself for I am now, then I can enjoy the present quality of my life.
After all, this life is impermanent, myself, loved ones and all surroundings. So I can choose to flow with it, bringing some relief or I can resist, bringing further suffering, until I reach the culmination of this life.
I am fortunate in the sense, that ive been given the opportunity, to ponder over my own mortality. Because we all know that all of us will depart at some point, but do we really feel it?
Most of us go to bed assuming we will awake tomorrow. But where is that guarantee?
There are no guarantees, the suns rays will shine through our bedroom window, to let us know, it's the birth of a new day. Or to hear the birds greet each other in a melodious manner. There are no guarantees with anything.
Everything is unstable.
Everything is changing.
So once again, I am glad to be able to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings, and that I have at least one participating member on my right hand (my thumb) to be able to type out my emotions through these words.
I would like to finish by saying, despite any deterioration, i do believe i have the chance and opportunity to reverse the situation and heal myself!
Being quite the determined, stubborn and strong minded person that i am, has actually worked in my favour. It's given me the strength and patience i need to never give in or give up! All hope isn't lost!
I will now sit back into my ''luxury lounge'' and enjoy a nice cup of tea and feel... the peace within the pain.
Written by Harmony
Age 28
Thursday 14/08/08
Friday, May 9, 2008
May you appreciate...
I was inspired to write this poem, after i witnessed something that i found very upsetting.I thought about the preciousness of life and the fragility of it. As i pondered over my many thoughts, i was admiring the beauty of nature, as i stood there and looked out over the 1000 acres of lush greenery, that surrounded me. And thought about how much we can learn from it...
may your days be filled with sunshine
and your nights with tw inkling stars
may you wake up everyday and value who you are.
may you have the chance to go out bush and find some tranquil time
to be away from the stresses of life and find peace within your mind
and to wake up to the soulful tunes of birds singing a happy song
and hear them call out to their relatives for them to merry-ly sing along
and may you have the chance to walk along the beach
while the ocean air cleanses your aura as the sand massages your feet
and as you stand there looking out to sea
with your skin being tickled by the gentle breeze
may you appreciate the abundant life and activity
that live beneath the ocean sheathe
and as you leave the beach may you feel refreshed and revived
after breathing in the fresh, cleansing air and you feel great to be alive
and may you appreciate the vibrant beauty of a flower as it blooms
and it's colours and smell radiate your senses and brings a smile when feeling gloom
and to enjoy the beauty of a dew drop as it drips upon a leaf
and glistens in the sunlight until it evaporates in the heat
and when going to bed at night feeling warm and cosy beneath the sheets
may you be thankful you're not living on the streets
and that you have no fear and are able to sleep
and may you give compassion to all living beings
whether an ant or human they all have feelings
to give love without wrong expectations is the true meaning of the word
and to live without judgements these are just some of our learning curves
and to acknowledge that desire is the key to all suffering
so before acting upon it think if there's anyone you'll be harming
and may you appreciate having intelligence and being physically and mentally able
to enjoy the beauty around us and to be living in a country that's relatively stable
and may you appreciate the warmth of a smile that appears on someone's face
either given or received is something that can never be taken or erased
so forget about the trivial things in life, for at any moment, can come death
it's as close as being on the other side of a wall
after the mere cessation of breath
and try not to be despondant about the negativities in life
and things that can't be changed
acknowledge the beauty within one's self and what mother nature has to offer
and by giving to the less fortunate helps to ease one's own pain
and may you always have a life that's filled with PEACE, LOVE, and meee (HARMONY)
written sep/06
age 26
may your days be filled with sunshine
and your nights with tw inkling stars
may you wake up everyday and value who you are.
may you have the chance to go out bush and find some tranquil time
to be away from the stresses of life and find peace within your mind
and to wake up to the soulful tunes of birds singing a happy song
and hear them call out to their relatives for them to merry-ly sing along
and may you have the chance to walk along the beach
while the ocean air cleanses your aura as the sand massages your feet
and as you stand there looking out to sea
with your skin being tickled by the gentle breeze
may you appreciate the abundant life and activity
that live beneath the ocean sheathe
and as you leave the beach may you feel refreshed and revived
after breathing in the fresh, cleansing air and you feel great to be alive
and may you appreciate the vibrant beauty of a flower as it blooms
and it's colours and smell radiate your senses and brings a smile when feeling gloom
and to enjoy the beauty of a dew drop as it drips upon a leaf
and glistens in the sunlight until it evaporates in the heat
and when going to bed at night feeling warm and cosy beneath the sheets
may you be thankful you're not living on the streets
and that you have no fear and are able to sleep
and may you give compassion to all living beings
whether an ant or human they all have feelings
to give love without wrong expectations is the true meaning of the word
and to live without judgements these are just some of our learning curves
and to acknowledge that desire is the key to all suffering
so before acting upon it think if there's anyone you'll be harming
and may you appreciate having intelligence and being physically and mentally able
to enjoy the beauty around us and to be living in a country that's relatively stable
and may you appreciate the warmth of a smile that appears on someone's face
either given or received is something that can never be taken or erased
so forget about the trivial things in life, for at any moment, can come death
it's as close as being on the other side of a wall
after the mere cessation of breath
and try not to be despondant about the negativities in life
and things that can't be changed
acknowledge the beauty within one's self and what mother nature has to offer
and by giving to the less fortunate helps to ease one's own pain
and may you always have a life that's filled with PEACE, LOVE, and meee (HARMONY)
written sep/06
age 26
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