THE SOCIABLE ME

Reminiscing about the past
About who I used to be
The sociable out going girl
Feeling forever lost within me.


Spontaneously approaching anyone for a friendly chat
And a bit of playful fun
Having a laugh and a joke around
But now I feel that part of me is gone
Although, I know it's still there somewhere
For when my friend's invite me out, I want to say ''yeah,I'm there!''
My mind is as keen as ever
But my body says ''you're not going anywhere!''


So I'll once again suppress my emotions
And tell myself I've changed
Feeling like I'm a passenger passing by on a boat
Saying farewell to this side of me as I stand there and wave
there's tension in my tummy
From lying to myself
Pretending I'm ok with being a ''hermit''
Due to my ill health
I want to shout!
I want to scream!
I want to show everyone


The sociable me!
Yet, my mind reluctantly tells me otherwise
But my body is no fool
They are often at war with each other
And going through this
Is just plain cruel!


The pain, anxiety and frustration I feel
The social interactions and independence the surgeons had to steal
I once had an enjoyable life
Before I fell under the spell of that cold, metal knife
But I will continue to let my mind tell myself that I don't need much of a social life
Although my body knows this isn't the truth as inside it continues to cry


Written 16/08/08
Age 28

Felix

My name's Felix
I sit here all alone
On this cold concrete floor
I hear nothing but screams & moans

I see a faceless white coat
Approaching me
Will you please be my friend
Can you refrain from hurting me again

I watch the blood drip from their probes
& with my lacerated tongue
I lick my wounded pores

I fall!
Collapsed on the floor
I just cant take anymore
You cant hear my screams
While you watch your TV screens
Are you to busy to HELP me!?
From this, misery
Or am I just a simple monkey?
So I'll just continue to lie here

Sometimes, somewhere I remember
When I wasn't just a number
Happily sucking on my mother's breast in slumber
I was safe & secure
I wonder if I'll see my mummy again...
Or is this how my life will end?

My name's Felix
I sit here all alone
I dream of a hug & being loved
But until then
I'll sit here & wait for you to...
Rescue me

written jan 08
age 27

I DREAM

this is a song i wrote...

I dream of a tumour free spine
I dream of a life that’s worthwhile
I dream of having no pain at all
This includes, when I sleep, sit and walk

I dream for the numbness to go
I dream to feel things properly with my toes
I dream of being just like you,
To take my body for granted the way that you do

I dream to have perfectly functioning hands
I dream to squeeze a peg again
I dream to have full independence to come
And to have the patience at times when I lack

I dream of a body not so weak
I dream for some weight gain on me
I dream for the pressure to cease
So the nerve and muscle aches may finally ease

I dream for no anxiety
I dream to find peace within me
I dream to reach the age of eighty
And live a long, healthy meaningful life
without this suffering

I dream to live a better life

Written Tuesday 29/01/08

LURE

I reflect over my life
And think of the good
and not so good times

I know you’ve been there
But I want you to go
Because I don’t care

You make it hard for me
In my everyday life
What do I have to do?
Do I have to go under the knife… AGAIN?

I want to break free from these chains
Don’t need this pain… any longer
Why don’t you refrain
And leave me alone
Because you must go
You have to go!

Whatever you want
I won’t give in
Try as you might
You just won’t win!

So let me be
Let go of this hold
You’ve given me
Move on somewhere else
Let me be free
I want the chance to live my dreams

You’ve been with me
Almost half of my life
Are you trying to cause me strife?

What do you want?
Do you want me to break?
Are you trying to see
How much more I can take?

Do you smile when I’m down?
Do you frown when I smile?
Does everything seem
Like it’s all been worthwhile?

I just want to be free
I just want to be free
When will you go
And just let me be?


*age 25*
April 2006

The importance of LETTING GO!

Born so perfectly
No flaws, that one can see
Things seem to run smoothly
Until, your parents split up
And they move apart
At nine years old,
It’s confusing and breaks your heart

The mother leaves her father
for a man who’s angry and domineering
The father’s girlfriend, also angry
Often taking pills, sitting there with her face in her lap
Yelling at you, calling you a brat

Alcohol abuse every night
Don’t want to be at either home
Because of all the fights

Don’t worry child,
Just cry yourself to sleep

When hanging out with friends
Put on a brave face
Hide the pain
That you try so desperately to erase
Let them think the grass is greener on your side

After ten years of this
You start to feel ill
FINALLY, the girlfriend leaves and so does the abusive boyfriend,
That you moved out with at age sixteen
The mother’s boyfriend is still around
And starts to settle down,
Though still an angry person
But really only towards your mother now

The next several boyfriends, you’re with
Most are drug addicts,
you try and help them
Abusing you’re kindness
They just rip you off
As they drift carelessly, meandering, in and out of jail
Doing the same to others
As they leave their smelly trail

At the age of twenty-three
You’ve had enough of being used and abused
You feel a little more sick each year
From the constant stress
You decide it’s time to put yourself first
Fuck everyone else!
You need to focus on your own health!

At age twenty-four
You find out that something’s growing inside of you
Watching yourself slowly fade away
That could potentially, take your life one day

Suddenly things are put into perspective
Trivial things are no longer selective
Saving yourself, becomes the objective

The first thing to do is let go of old wounds
Heal the mind
Find a spiritual path
And give yourself some time each day to have a good laugh

mum, dad and Nai,
I love you

Robbie
I thankyou

And for all the support
That’s been given to me
From strangers, friends and family

It’s been a hard road
But without your help
I would’ve had no road to walk down…

age 25
28/01/06

Possum Lady

I know you don't see it now
But look at what you've done
You've saved these animals lives
And become their beautiful mum

You've picked them up
When they've been stranded
And held them in your arms
Saving them from the outside world
Protecting them from harm

You've given them another chance
Another chance of life
Without you,
They probably would've died a cold and lonely death
Or been in very big strife

Always playing by your side
Wanting to always be close to you
Knowing that they're loved
And them loving you too

Don't blame yourself
For you can only do your best
Your're not expected to know everything
Especially while your're still learning

Now it is time for them to move on
For karma has come into play
And even though we didn't want them to leave
It wasn't their fate to stay

But at least they have left peacefully
With nothing but love filled in their tum
And before they left on their new journey
They left knowing...
That they had a mum

Written Age 23
10/08/03

MANY MOODS

As i sit here in the darkness

i feel a stream of pain run down my face

As the loneliness increases

i can feel the depression seep in

As the anger destroys me

i become a little some what destructive

As i feel hurt and used

i feel like seeking revenge

As i sit here

and think about how to resolve my problems

nothing seems to work out

or make sense

i can now taste the salt in my tears

as i don't understand why i'm feeling this way

It's times like these

i wish i could escape to...

"the sky of diamonds"

written 15/10/95

age 15