I FEEL WEIRD

I feel weird.

Try to find the words to explain, but... SILENCE... There are none.

There are feelings, but what are they?
Where are they coming from?
What do they mean?
Yet, what I feel doesn't really exist.
I feel nothing.
So what is real?

Which of my emotions are true?
Can I even use the word truth?
What does that even mean? Truth?

I am in the present, but am also absent.
Absent from what? I am not sure.

My mind, body, my surroundings or all of the above, who knows.
Although can I say these things are mine?
Do I own them? No. How can I, when everything is transitory?

With every blink, life changes.
How does it change?
How am I changing?
How can I work this out, when I don't know who I am?

WHO AM I???

What are my beliefs?
Where do my beliefs come from?
How much of it is from the inside?
How much of my conditioning to the world is from what I have been subjected to in my life and surroundings?
How much of what I think is from being bombarded by external conditions?

What are these changes going on within me?

It is like a rapid water fall.
Normally I would grab onto an overhanging branch and hold on tight, but instead, I will dismiss it and flow fast and free with the current.

It is exciting, yet peaceful.
Confusing, yet less clouded.
Tiring, yet rejuvenating.
Emotional, yet empty

The openness helps release anxiety.
I feel less fear.

My old skin is shedding, in preparation for the new.
How and who will I be tomorrow?
Who will I be in a few months, at the end of this year and in a year's time?

Will I finally find the HARMONY within?

I do know that the person I am at this moment, will be different within months to a year, that is One question I don't need to ask, as I am noticing changes from a monthly basis, which seems to have transpired to weekly.

So instead of analyzing everything little thing and trying to answer questions that I'm not even sure what I am asking, I shall continue to open myself to the ride down the waterfall and soak up the pleasant scenery with my inquisitive mind, but only taking in, what I feel is intuitively healthy for me and enjoy the times of peace and serenity and learn to develop more of that and less of the mental, emotional and physical discomfort.

My life has never been dull.
It has been an interesting journey and I know this next phase will, once again, not dissapoint
I will see where it takes me...


Age 28
Written 6/5/08

Mind

I was in an observant mood while i was out one day sitting by the ocean at a local beach. I was looking at all the people around analyzing everyone and observing the nature of life and and how it changes.

Most of us deny the impermanence of things, or if we don't,we still often feel "it won't happen to us" whatever that may be. Anyway, it was interesting watching people, and i had the urge to write something. Without pen or paper, i was glad i had my trusty mobile with me, and i went a texting away...


The mud is thick.
Stuck in it's reluctance to move.
Benign muck.

Thoughts race, going round and round like a washing machine.
It wounds the nerves. They wont subside.
Leaving me to feel physically ill.

Does any of this make sense?
Who knows?
In this crazy world, full of hazy minds, all in a daze.

Take off your rose coloured glasses and look around this sleepy town of parochial minds and one eyed views.
It's you who long for something new, in the misconception of our surrounds.
The grasping of what you see to be untrue, you fool!

The once human form, now transformed into a gluttonous seagull, through the ignorance which was possessed.

Trying to stay afloat in a canoe on the water, as the unsteadiness of the sea is unpredictable.
The ocean topples it over, with no control, you find yourself being dragged helplessly down to the realm below.
The naraks are waiting with hot iron swords, the ghosts with bellies so big and hungry, but with a pin hole for a mouth, no food can be swallowed.

Trying to subdue the mind and stray away from disturbing thoughts and erroneous views.
Feeling the need to escape from what one thinks is reality.

I want to put on my wings and fly away, leaving this body of constriction behind me,
while drifting off in my dreamland of mysticism.

Although, am i already in a dream?

Do i need to be awakened from this sleepy mind of delusions?
Is this all just an illusion?

Things arent always as they appear.
Look beyond and you may see the truth.

Changeable in its nature, this mind we like to call our own.
But how can we, when we have no control?

age 27
Written SUNDAY 26/01/2008

Why do i feel this way?

Why do I feel this way?
My emotions are very strange
My body feels physically ill
And psychologically deranged

Mood swings from north to south
It seems like every chance they get
My body and mind need some release
They need some sort of outlet

Exaggerating every mood
And prolonging negative thoughts
I don’t know why I torture myself
When all it seems to do is hurt

Detached from the world
Including the people it seems
Everything looks surreal
As though I’m in a dream

I worry about my health everyday
And wonder when I’m going to die
I just hope before I do
I get over this
so I can fulfill my dreams
And live a long, happy, healthy and prosperous life

age 22

1:25am 15/8/02

MANY MOODS

As i sit here in the darkness

i feel a stream of pain run down my face

As the loneliness increases

i can feel the depression seep in

As the anger destroys me

i become a little some what destructive

As i feel hurt and used

i feel like seeking revenge

As i sit here

and think about how to resolve my problems

nothing seems to work out

or make sense

i can now taste the salt in my tears

as i don't understand why i'm feeling this way

It's times like these

i wish i could escape to...

"the sky of diamonds"

written 15/10/95

age 15