Peace within the pain

I wrote this when i laid on the couch for 2wks with spinal pain...

Feeling peace within the pain.

Sounds odd.

Yet somehow, during the unpleasant feelings, I can ''just be'' at one. I can... ''just be''.

At times a part of me enjoys when I feel quite unwell. For it's these times, I can lay there and appreciate the moment that is now.
I could venture into the past and think ''I should've done this'' or ''not have done that''. But I realise these thoughts will only hinder, not help me.


I could fantasise about the future.

All the things I ''need'' and ''want'' to do, but when I'm in this state, I am often too lazy to put those thoughts in motion. When I do, I tend to grasp at the future events, making myself feel anxious and eager to get back out there to try and fulfill my arranged plans, hoping to receive the desired outcome.
I have learnt in my life that plans often don't go the way they were supposed too. I didn't plan to have some degree of disability after an un-necessary surgery procedure. I could shower myself properly the morning I went into hospital, that afternoon onwards I couldn't.

Gradually, using my hands less due to chronic unrelenting pain, I now have hands that a virtually just for show.
As a young, extroverted girl who loved the independence, social interactions and just to be able to dance, run, enjoy a casual stroll and get up and do anything and go anywhere, has, in one fowl swoop been taken from me somewhat. Though thankfully, I am not completely dependent and am forever grateful and feel blessed to still have the chance to dream!

When I ''relax'' on the couch, in the agony of my physical pain, theres no need for nostalgia. It is past and it wont help me now!

Thinking of what may lie ahead, may never come.
I can now feel at peace, just being here.
I don't have to push myself to do this and do that.

Even when I enjoy my activities, my body constantly reminds me that I have a tumour. The flat mate, my mother named ''Tim'', is persistant in continuing to live with me, even though, everyone wants him to move out!
Even though, I can never seem to escape him, Its so nice not having to face ''the world outside'' sometimes.
I can just lay here and read, listen to some pleasing music, watch a funny movie, or express myself through writing. All the while having nutritious tasty meals served to me, to satisfy my healthy appetite, from someone who loves me.

When the pain's quite severe, its easy to start going over the ''what ifs''. ''what if'' I'm getting worse, ''what if'' this is the last time I'll walk, ''what if '' I die young, ''WHAT IF'', ''WHAT IF''... I am now learning to replace these thoughts with yeah, well, ''what if'' these things happen? Yes it would make things harder, no I don't want to suffer anymore, but for whatever reason, I've been given a life with a strong amount of suffering, and I've learnt to deal with that the best way I can.
When I feel angry, frustrated, sad etc, sometimes I go with it. Sometimes I hide behind some codeine, to help take the edge off, but to also give me that stoned sleepy feeling, so I can escape from this life, for a few hours. However, Other times, I realise the emptiness in it all.

I'm intelligent enough, to know the existence in things to be true are often false, including the reflection I see in the mirror. Although, being aware of it intellectually and feeling it as a sense are quite different. If we could all ''feel'' the emptiness and impermanence, we would all be in a state of equality. Nothing would bother us or hurt us any more.

Sometimes I feel this peace, when the pain is quite severe.

I fought the changes for nine years, though, its been more intense the last three and a half. Finally, I have stopped rebelling and fighting the deterioration of my body. I am now more accepting and embracing as there is nothing more I feel I can do.

I am aware there's a chance I could continue to decline. Am i being negative? no. Just realistic.

However, it doesn't make a thought like that any easier, at any age, but i think even more so, when your're young. Especially, socialising with others that are of similar age, with no apparent health problems... Yet.
Although, I can no longer waste energy on comparing myself to my friends or other young people, wishing for the ''old me'' to return, watching others, thinking, ''I could do that once'', or ''I used to take that for granted, like you do now'' or ''something so simple to you, which used to be for me, isn't so simple now'' etc, etc.

I need to realise, that everything passes, including who I used to be.

I've now had my time to grieve, and it is now time to let go and move on. I have to learn to love myself for I am now, then I can enjoy the present quality of my life.

After all, this life is impermanent, myself, loved ones and all surroundings. So I can choose to flow with it, bringing some relief or I can resist, bringing further suffering, until I reach the culmination of this life.
I am fortunate in the sense, that ive been given the opportunity, to ponder over my own mortality. Because we all know that all of us will depart at some point, but do we really feel it?

Most of us go to bed assuming we will awake tomorrow. But where is that guarantee?

There are no guarantees, the suns rays will shine through our bedroom window, to let us know, it's the birth of a new day. Or to hear the birds greet each other in a melodious manner. There are no guarantees with anything.

Everything is unstable.

Everything is changing.

So once again, I am glad to be able to express my deep inner thoughts and feelings, and that I have at least one participating member on my right hand (my thumb) to be able to type out my emotions through these words.
I would like to finish by saying, despite any deterioration, i do believe i have the chance and opportunity to reverse the situation and heal myself!

Being quite the determined, stubborn and strong minded person that i am, has actually worked in my favour. It's given me the strength and patience i need to never give in or give up! All hope isn't lost!
I will now sit back into my ''luxury lounge'' and enjoy a nice cup of tea and feel... the peace within the pain.

Written by Harmony
Age 28
Thursday 14/08/08

Sweet Serenity

This is my rock where I sit and I dream.

With each life giving breath, i feel more alive, as my lungs inhale the fresh, un-polluted air.

I close my eyes and hear the trickling of the water as it flows freely down the side of the cliff.
I hear each liquid drop,one by one, connecting with the lake below.

I now change my position and lay across the rock.

With my feet on the ground, I draw in the earth energies.

The sun smiles upon me, with its rays gently penetrating my skin, while a soft breeze carefully caresses each individual strand of my hair.

While I peacefully lay there, I look up and gaze at the cumulonimbus clouds looking inviteably like white marshmallows, floating across the pale blue sky.
I wonder if I could cushion myself comfortably in them?

I then look across and am now lured in by the pond beside me.
I rise and walk towards it, as its crystal clear presence, is too hard to resist.
As I approach I notice the trees overhanging above, with their reflections calmly swaying with the movement of the water.

I gradually step in.

My feet feel like they're being massaged by the sand and pebbles below.
I feel the water particles touch every part of my skin, for there is no layer of fabric between us.

I feel free... no restrictions.

Every gentle ripple, washes away any impurities, leaving my body to feel cleansed and alive.

With the rock walls around me, I feel safe as they embrace me like a warm hug.
Leaning against the layered cliff wall, I position myself nicely into the corner.

I observe my mind and become aware of the fleeting thoughts.
Drifting into a meditative state, these images start to subside, bringing a sense of emptiness and peace within.
As I go deeper into the present moment I am captivated more and more by nature's version of music and beauty that appears before me.

Mother nature offers these tranquil surroundings ... Until she is disturbed.

I feel all the elements come together, generously sending out their healing energies to refresh and revitalise my body and mind.

Even though I am alone, I am at one with myself and with nature.

There is a stillness within my heart.

There is harmony.


Written age 28
Fri 11/07/08

I FEEL WEIRD

I feel weird.

Try to find the words to explain, but... SILENCE... There are none.

There are feelings, but what are they?
Where are they coming from?
What do they mean?
Yet, what I feel doesn't really exist.
I feel nothing.
So what is real?

Which of my emotions are true?
Can I even use the word truth?
What does that even mean? Truth?

I am in the present, but am also absent.
Absent from what? I am not sure.

My mind, body, my surroundings or all of the above, who knows.
Although can I say these things are mine?
Do I own them? No. How can I, when everything is transitory?

With every blink, life changes.
How does it change?
How am I changing?
How can I work this out, when I don't know who I am?

WHO AM I???

What are my beliefs?
Where do my beliefs come from?
How much of it is from the inside?
How much of my conditioning to the world is from what I have been subjected to in my life and surroundings?
How much of what I think is from being bombarded by external conditions?

What are these changes going on within me?

It is like a rapid water fall.
Normally I would grab onto an overhanging branch and hold on tight, but instead, I will dismiss it and flow fast and free with the current.

It is exciting, yet peaceful.
Confusing, yet less clouded.
Tiring, yet rejuvenating.
Emotional, yet empty

The openness helps release anxiety.
I feel less fear.

My old skin is shedding, in preparation for the new.
How and who will I be tomorrow?
Who will I be in a few months, at the end of this year and in a year's time?

Will I finally find the HARMONY within?

I do know that the person I am at this moment, will be different within months to a year, that is One question I don't need to ask, as I am noticing changes from a monthly basis, which seems to have transpired to weekly.

So instead of analyzing everything little thing and trying to answer questions that I'm not even sure what I am asking, I shall continue to open myself to the ride down the waterfall and soak up the pleasant scenery with my inquisitive mind, but only taking in, what I feel is intuitively healthy for me and enjoy the times of peace and serenity and learn to develop more of that and less of the mental, emotional and physical discomfort.

My life has never been dull.
It has been an interesting journey and I know this next phase will, once again, not dissapoint
I will see where it takes me...


Age 28
Written 6/5/08

Felix

My name's Felix
I sit here all alone
On this cold concrete floor
I hear nothing but screams & moans

I see a faceless white coat
Approaching me
Will you please be my friend
Can you refrain from hurting me again

I watch the blood drip from their probes
& with my lacerated tongue
I lick my wounded pores

I fall!
Collapsed on the floor
I just cant take anymore
You cant hear my screams
While you watch your TV screens
Are you to busy to HELP me!?
From this, misery
Or am I just a simple monkey?
So I'll just continue to lie here

Sometimes, somewhere I remember
When I wasn't just a number
Happily sucking on my mother's breast in slumber
I was safe & secure
I wonder if I'll see my mummy again...
Or is this how my life will end?

My name's Felix
I sit here all alone
I dream of a hug & being loved
But until then
I'll sit here & wait for you to...
Rescue me

written jan 08
age 27

Dear Father (Because of you)

this is a song i wrote, to thank my father for all his support over the years

Dear father
There's so many things I’d like to say to you
to thank you for all that you do, for me

Dear father
You’ve never gone astray
You’ve stood by my hurdle all the way
And When I'm scared and want to hide
You're always there by my side

(chorus 1)
Because of you
I can still walk
Because of you
I have the chance to dream
Because of you
And all the help you give
I can look at my future, with a smile
And know that its worthwhile
Because of you

Dear father
I respect the man you are
You're a loving dad and son
And Even when your own heart bleeds
You're always there for others needs

Dear father
There's a special bond we share
And When you need me, I’ll be there
You have given me a special gift
Of a father that cannot be replaced

(chorus 2)
Because of you
You help the pain to ease
Because of you
My anxiety starts to cease
If it wasn’t for you
I may not have survived,
That time when I felt I could die
It was you who held my hand
As I, laid there and cried
Because of you

They say a ring is round
And that’s for sure
And that’s how long
I’ll love you for

(chorus 1)

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you

My father, thank you
My father, you are so true
My father, a heart so pure
My father, I love you…

Written Thursday 31/01/08 (age 27)

Mind

I was in an observant mood while i was out one day sitting by the ocean at a local beach. I was looking at all the people around analyzing everyone and observing the nature of life and and how it changes.

Most of us deny the impermanence of things, or if we don't,we still often feel "it won't happen to us" whatever that may be. Anyway, it was interesting watching people, and i had the urge to write something. Without pen or paper, i was glad i had my trusty mobile with me, and i went a texting away...


The mud is thick.
Stuck in it's reluctance to move.
Benign muck.

Thoughts race, going round and round like a washing machine.
It wounds the nerves. They wont subside.
Leaving me to feel physically ill.

Does any of this make sense?
Who knows?
In this crazy world, full of hazy minds, all in a daze.

Take off your rose coloured glasses and look around this sleepy town of parochial minds and one eyed views.
It's you who long for something new, in the misconception of our surrounds.
The grasping of what you see to be untrue, you fool!

The once human form, now transformed into a gluttonous seagull, through the ignorance which was possessed.

Trying to stay afloat in a canoe on the water, as the unsteadiness of the sea is unpredictable.
The ocean topples it over, with no control, you find yourself being dragged helplessly down to the realm below.
The naraks are waiting with hot iron swords, the ghosts with bellies so big and hungry, but with a pin hole for a mouth, no food can be swallowed.

Trying to subdue the mind and stray away from disturbing thoughts and erroneous views.
Feeling the need to escape from what one thinks is reality.

I want to put on my wings and fly away, leaving this body of constriction behind me,
while drifting off in my dreamland of mysticism.

Although, am i already in a dream?

Do i need to be awakened from this sleepy mind of delusions?
Is this all just an illusion?

Things arent always as they appear.
Look beyond and you may see the truth.

Changeable in its nature, this mind we like to call our own.
But how can we, when we have no control?

age 27
Written SUNDAY 26/01/2008

Fly with me

Irridescant rainbows,
glistening in the bubbles
They playfully dance around aimlessly with me

With no direction or concept of time
They are not in a hurry

In a state of tranquility
My thoughts subside as I feel free
Drifting off to a sacred place within me

Fly with me
In this fantasy I will be
Fly with me
Fly with me

I spread my wings and drift off
to my own land of harmony
Where colourful flowers blooms
as they sway and smile at me

Shimmery, glittery,
nestled comfortably in the clouds
Hugging me I feel,
safe and sound

Fly with me
In this fantasy land i will be
Fly with me
Fly with me

Fairies that gracefully roam around free
Leaving sparkled reflections in my eyes
As they pass me

Moving flawlessly,
their friendly waves are directed at me
I feel so peaceful here
I never want to leave

Fly with me
In this fantasy i will be
Fly with me
Fly with me

Dont be shy
Escape from the illusion of your mind
Let yourself go
Have a loving embrace to the unknown
Open your heart to having some fun
Come with me to the land of dreams
We'll float amongst the stars

Fly with me
In this fantasy i will be
Fly high with me
Fly with me
Fly with me
To the land of dreams x4

We'll float amongst the stars

age 27

Written Tuesday 29/01/08

I DREAM

this is a song i wrote...

I dream of a tumour free spine
I dream of a life that’s worthwhile
I dream of having no pain at all
This includes, when I sleep, sit and walk

I dream for the numbness to go
I dream to feel things properly with my toes
I dream of being just like you,
To take my body for granted the way that you do

I dream to have perfectly functioning hands
I dream to squeeze a peg again
I dream to have full independence to come
And to have the patience at times when I lack

I dream of a body not so weak
I dream for some weight gain on me
I dream for the pressure to cease
So the nerve and muscle aches may finally ease

I dream for no anxiety
I dream to find peace within me
I dream to reach the age of eighty
And live a long, healthy meaningful life
without this suffering

I dream to live a better life

Written Tuesday 29/01/08

Enter the island

Here is a piece of music written by my neighbour Wayne for a dungeons and dragons game.

He asked me to do the vocal part.

When you listen to it, you can visualise yourself in the fantasy.

http://www.wjkington.com/music/mp3/enter_the_island.mp3

Melodic Desire Song

These are lyrics I wrote for a piano piece that my neighbour wrote.

When i first met him, he played me various pieces that he put together, including this one.
However, this piece, was one of his least favourites, but as soon as he played it, i found it really touched my heart and reminded me of my love for dancing and music. I knew exactly how i wanted to arrange this piece.
I wrote the Lyrics and assisted with the composition.
I wrote a poetry version prior to this, also called Melodic Desire, which you can read on the previous post.

You can listen to me singing the song by clicking on the mp3 file below.

Melodic Desire.mp3

I have such desire for you,
as I dance around the room.

Goosebumps appear as you kiss my skin,
My heart starts to race when we embrace,
I am mesmerised with your soulful tunes,
nothing makes me feel the way you do.

The more I fall under your spell,
I feel I could fly,
from this natural high.

My sorrows have ceased,
I'm in ecstasy,
I feel free when it's just you and me.

You are what I require,
My melodic desire,
don't ever leave me coz,
I don't know what I'd do,
If I couldn't dance with you.

You are my love that's true.

*age 27*
2007

melodic desire (poem)

alot of people have found it difficult to understand my obsession with dancing and clubbing, and after i failed to explain how i feel, i eventually wrote this poem.

I feel you flow through me
Bringing warmth to my soul
I feel every part of your essence
As you rush through my veins
And please every one of my senses

I am anxious and excited
To be in your presence
My body flows to your every sound

I feel the people around me

Start to form a crowd

My feet stomp to your base
While my mind drifts off to space
I explore every inch of the dance

I lift up my arms and embrace you
Objects around me start to disappear
It’s now just you, me and the dance floor

Beneath my feet


My pulse rate rises
The more I fall under your spell
The more I feel I could fly
Don’t ever leave me
For I know,
No other way to experience this natural high

My hair becomes wet and messy
Sweat drips from my face
My clothes are that drenched
It’s like I’ve been standing in the rain
But I don’t care
All my emotional pain has ceased
As I keep dancing without despair

I feel you rush through my body
I am instantly uplifted
You make feel so alive
This is something I never want to be deprived from

I am in ecstasy
As I you penetrate all of my senses
And fill every cell in my body

My soul you have possessed
With you I am completely obsessed


Goosebumps appear as you kiss my skin
I become fearless, untouchable, unstoppable
I know others are watching me
I am surrounded by smiles
But I don’t pay any attention
For I have escaped into my own piece of heaven

The energy that consumes me
Is overwhelming
It’s all around me
Everything seems so surreal
Things feel like they’re in slow motion
But at the same time fast paced

My heart continues to race
For I have fallen completely in love with you
Nothing has ever made me feel the way you do

Every movement releases any chains of stress
Bringing peace and harmony within myself
Clearing away any need to feel depressed


SUDDENLY… you stop!
It’s that time of the night I dread
My surroundings become more visible
Everyone has formed a close bond
But that oneness we all shared
Starts to fade away
As reality is fast approaching

We all start to stray
Drifting apart from one another
All of us becoming strangers again
Facing our own inner demons
And we’re back to being handcuffed
By the social network – SOCIETY

I feel you leave through the pores of my skin
NOOO! DON’T LEAVE ME!
The tears swell up in my eyes
I am now filled with emptiness inside
Until the next time we embrace
I’ll reminisce about the time we shared
I look forward to dancing with you again
And feel my body and mind escape

*age 27*

19/6/07

SPECIAL FATHER

i wrote this poem for my dad (obviously). i also wrote a song for him, but have chosen not to put the music on here.
You are a son to be proud of
And a father to look up too
You're compassionate, kind and protective
around you i feel safe
you help keep me strong
and leave my mind in a positive head space

you have such admirable qualities
that how could i not respect you
always thinking of everyone else's needs
when at times your own heart bleeds

you have a warm and tenderness side to you
but yet, at the same time
you have a real strength that shines through
and when i am better
i will be there for you
To show you how much i appreciate
everything that you do

but don't forget to be there for yourself
don't neglect your own health
show yourself the same respect you give others
nurture yourself
and see the beauty within
that everyone else can see
including me

Dad,
You are not just my father
You are my best friend
And i know we'll remain that way
Right through to the end

they say a ring is round
And that's for sure
And that's how long
i'll love you for

Love your honourable daughter no.1

Written 18/04/07
26 yrs old

SAMSARA

The karmic wheel spins again, like waiting for a number on the roulette table, which realm of samsara, will we take birth in this time?
From beginningless times, we’ve had to endure the suffering of countless rebirths and experience all kinds of karma, because we cannot control our mental afflictions of desire, attachment and ignorance.

We are blessed to be born as humans, rather then a hell being, or in the animal realm of ‘eat or be eaten’, but being born into a place of leisure and opportunity, do we use our time wisely?

We’re too concerned with money, sex and power!
These are the most important things to have, or are they?

We work all day, sleep all night and strive to have material possessions. This is what success is based on. But what is success really?

When we pass on from this life, will working hard all our life, until one is sick or old and having all the latest gadgets (that we’re constantly bombarded with by big corporations, that don’t care, who or what they destroy, because they are fueled by their own greed) really mean anything in the end? Is this real success?
Living a simple life and showing love and compassion to all beings, wouldn’t this be considered true success?

Actually making a difference in the world, by bringing love into the hearts of people and animals and respecting our land.

After all, it’s mother earth that supplies us with all our needs and resources, and we show our appreciation, by treating it, like it’s our own personal toilet! People seem to be more concerned with trivial things, such as their vanity or the pain in their little toe, rather than the important things going on in the world.
When we pass on from this life, we leave all our loved ones behind and our possessions, so why have attachment?
Love unconditionally, give generously without expectations.

For it is not us who dies, just the form we take on in this life. When we leave this life, who we are now, will NEVER be here again. We will never come back as the person we’re known to others today. We will be someone entirely different.
However, our mental continuum will carry on to take our next rebirth and depending on how we behave, will determine, how our next life will be and what form we take on.

We are in control of what happens to us, through our thoughts and actions. Karma will continue to exist while we live with cravings and attachment to things, including our own self cherishing (one who cherishes the self, cannot be trusted) The way we see ourselves, the ‘I’, that we so desperately grasp on too, doesn’t really exist, the way we perceive it.
We are but merely a name, that exists for only a certain amount of time.

Being born as a human, we have accumulated much merit. To be beautiful one has created much patience. From ethics comes happiness, joyous effort comes strength and generousity comes resources.

Another thing i'd like to say, is why do we hold on to the past? Would you go through yesterday’s garbage to make tonight’s meal?

And fantasising about the future can bring disappointment, when things don’t go our way.
As John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans”

So live in the now and follow a virtuous path.

Karma is expantial No matter how small the deed (good or bad).
It’s like a seed that’s planted and grows into a huge tree, with many branches. Once planted, nothing can stop the seed, unless other factors come into play and prevent that from happening.
For eg. doing a negative action, will ripen, unless purified.

Search for happiness within, because external conditions or in another term, samsaric pleasures, will only bring temporary happiness.

When suffering from mental anguish or physical pain, know that it will pass, nothing is permanent. I have had my own experiences with this. If one is going through this, know that it will be temporary, no matter how permanent it may seem at the time.

Everything is transient.

Have faith in two of the 4 noble truths which is “there is a cause to suffering and there is cessation of suffering.”

I know, that by feeling depressed, frustrated or angry, will only create more negative karma for myself, therefore, more suffering.

Instead, by helping other’s, helps relieve one’s own pain, because it takes the focus off one’s self. It also teaches us kindness and brings much merit.

If someone behaves badly to another being, this shows a lack of inner contentment. Instead of retaliating in the same manner, and seeing the person as inherently bad or as an enemy, use this person to help develop patience and wisdom.
Practice equanimity to all beings.

All our experiences we go through, are due to our own karmic conditions, ripening at that particular time. Nothing can happen to us, unless we have created the cause to do so.
So stay positive with an open mind, show love and compassion, be generous and follow the path of morality.

Love and blessings

Written 17/03/07

May you appreciate...

I was inspired to write this poem, after i witnessed something that i found very upsetting.I thought about the preciousness of life and the fragility of it. As i pondered over my many thoughts, i was admiring the beauty of nature, as i stood there and looked out over the 1000 acres of lush greenery, that surrounded me. And thought about how much we can learn from it...

may your days be filled with sunshine
and your nights with tw inkling stars
may you wake up everyday and value who you are.

may you have the chance to go out bush and find some tranquil time
to be away from the stresses of life and find peace within your mind
and to wake up to the soulful tunes of birds singing a happy song
and hear them call out to their relatives for them to merry-ly sing along

and may you have the chance to walk along the beach
while the ocean air cleanses your aura as the sand massages your feet
and as you stand there looking out to sea
with your skin being tickled by the gentle breeze
may you appreciate the abundant life and activity
that live beneath the ocean sheathe
and as you leave the beach may you feel refreshed and revived
after breathing in the fresh, cleansing air and you feel great to be alive

and may you appreciate the vibrant beauty of a flower as it blooms
and it's colours and smell radiate your senses and brings a smile when feeling gloom
and to enjoy the beauty of a dew drop as it drips upon a leaf
and glistens in the sunlight until it evaporates in the heat

and when going to bed at night feeling warm and cosy beneath the sheets
may you be thankful you're not living on the streets
and that you have no fear and are able to sleep

and may you give compassion to all living beings
whether an ant or human they all have feelings

to give love without wrong expectations is the true meaning of the word
and to live without judgements these are just some of our learning curves

and to acknowledge that desire is the key to all suffering
so before acting upon it think if there's anyone you'll be harming

and may you appreciate having intelligence and being physically and mentally able
to enjoy the beauty around us and to be living in a country that's relatively stable

and may you appreciate the warmth of a smile that appears on someone's face
either given or received is something that can never be taken or erased

so forget about the trivial things in life, for at any moment, can come death
it's as close as being on the other side of a wall
after the mere cessation of breath

and try not to be despondant about the negativities in life
and things that can't be changed
acknowledge the beauty within one's self and what mother nature has to offer
and by giving to the less fortunate helps to ease one's own pain

and may you always have a life that's filled with PEACE, LOVE, and meee (HARMONY)

written sep/06
age 26

Karmic Afflictions

Like the absence of rain
So are my days without pain

The sunlight casts over my shadow of gloom
I reach out for it’s essence as my body cries
While my immune system fights hard
To stop the war between good and evil
Controlling the population of the once breeding mutated cells

Feeling like I’m on a rotisserie going round in circles
While a burning flame roars fiercely through my nerves
My muscles feel tight as well
But they also feel like an elastic band being stretched throughout my body
And through my chest

Yet,
if there is no ‘I’

and existence isn’t the way we perceive it to be
Then why does this physical body of pain seem so real?
I feel it’s a raw deal
As I have always tried to cherish others
So why am I being punished?

I sit here in my house
With two windowless walls
I look up and see a wheel chair that was bought for my grandfather
Though through his stubbornness
He refused to use it
So in my lounge room it sits

I wonder was it subconsciously bought for me
Will my legs one day, give way?
To the growth in my spine
Though thankfully it is benign
So I have time to revaluate my life
And rid myself of the negative torments
That I have bestowed upon myself and others
In, not just this life time, but in other lifetimes as well
I mean, it could be worse
I could be a being in the realm of hell

So I will once again drag my weary body out of bed
And face another day
With great determination
That I will conquer this struggle
And know that this is only temporary
Though it feels very permanent
I have to train my mind to feel at ease
To rid myself of this dis-ease

And realise that I am not that different to many people out there
And acknowledging our bodies and minds are intertwined
And whatever we think
Will manifest physically
And believing that most of us are mentally un well
Makes me realise
That I’m not the only one that has to battle with ill health

AGE 27
completed 31/07/07

LURE

I reflect over my life
And think of the good
and not so good times

I know you’ve been there
But I want you to go
Because I don’t care

You make it hard for me
In my everyday life
What do I have to do?
Do I have to go under the knife… AGAIN?

I want to break free from these chains
Don’t need this pain… any longer
Why don’t you refrain
And leave me alone
Because you must go
You have to go!

Whatever you want
I won’t give in
Try as you might
You just won’t win!

So let me be
Let go of this hold
You’ve given me
Move on somewhere else
Let me be free
I want the chance to live my dreams

You’ve been with me
Almost half of my life
Are you trying to cause me strife?

What do you want?
Do you want me to break?
Are you trying to see
How much more I can take?

Do you smile when I’m down?
Do you frown when I smile?
Does everything seem
Like it’s all been worthwhile?

I just want to be free
I just want to be free
When will you go
And just let me be?


*age 25*
April 2006

The importance of LETTING GO!

Born so perfectly
No flaws, that one can see
Things seem to run smoothly
Until, your parents split up
And they move apart
At nine years old,
It’s confusing and breaks your heart

The mother leaves her father
for a man who’s angry and domineering
The father’s girlfriend, also angry
Often taking pills, sitting there with her face in her lap
Yelling at you, calling you a brat

Alcohol abuse every night
Don’t want to be at either home
Because of all the fights

Don’t worry child,
Just cry yourself to sleep

When hanging out with friends
Put on a brave face
Hide the pain
That you try so desperately to erase
Let them think the grass is greener on your side

After ten years of this
You start to feel ill
FINALLY, the girlfriend leaves and so does the abusive boyfriend,
That you moved out with at age sixteen
The mother’s boyfriend is still around
And starts to settle down,
Though still an angry person
But really only towards your mother now

The next several boyfriends, you’re with
Most are drug addicts,
you try and help them
Abusing you’re kindness
They just rip you off
As they drift carelessly, meandering, in and out of jail
Doing the same to others
As they leave their smelly trail

At the age of twenty-three
You’ve had enough of being used and abused
You feel a little more sick each year
From the constant stress
You decide it’s time to put yourself first
Fuck everyone else!
You need to focus on your own health!

At age twenty-four
You find out that something’s growing inside of you
Watching yourself slowly fade away
That could potentially, take your life one day

Suddenly things are put into perspective
Trivial things are no longer selective
Saving yourself, becomes the objective

The first thing to do is let go of old wounds
Heal the mind
Find a spiritual path
And give yourself some time each day to have a good laugh

mum, dad and Nai,
I love you

Robbie
I thankyou

And for all the support
That’s been given to me
From strangers, friends and family

It’s been a hard road
But without your help
I would’ve had no road to walk down…

age 25
28/01/06

ROBBIE

I know sometimes you think I don’t love you
But my feelings for you are deep and true
When you look at me with sincerity in your eyes

I realise the love I have for you is something I won’t compromise
The way you stick to your word
And are honest with me
Trusting and caring
Are things I don’t forget easily

The way we’re so compatible
And have grown so close, so fast
I feel like I’ve known you for ages
Like you’ve come back from somewhere in the past
I love having a laugh with you
And seeing you smile
It brightens up my day
And makes everything seem worthwhile

You’re a very special person
And I’m glad that we have met
You’re my best friend and lover
And you’re someone, I’ll never forget

I admire what you’ve done
And have a thought for what you’ve been through
I respect the person you’ve become
And for these reasons
Are why I love you

written *2003*

Possum Lady

I know you don't see it now
But look at what you've done
You've saved these animals lives
And become their beautiful mum

You've picked them up
When they've been stranded
And held them in your arms
Saving them from the outside world
Protecting them from harm

You've given them another chance
Another chance of life
Without you,
They probably would've died a cold and lonely death
Or been in very big strife

Always playing by your side
Wanting to always be close to you
Knowing that they're loved
And them loving you too

Don't blame yourself
For you can only do your best
Your're not expected to know everything
Especially while your're still learning

Now it is time for them to move on
For karma has come into play
And even though we didn't want them to leave
It wasn't their fate to stay

But at least they have left peacefully
With nothing but love filled in their tum
And before they left on their new journey
They left knowing...
That they had a mum

Written Age 23
10/08/03

No Grey

This poem was mainly directed at boyfriend i had, that used to laugh at my opinions and views on life.

Needless to say we didn't last very long as we were two very different people.

Although, we still talk now and then, 8yrs later and has opened up a little since then.

I don’t understand how someone can think they’re intelligent
But really know nothing at all

Thinking they know everything
To the point that everyone else’s views are wrong
And up go their arrogant walls

Being a skeptic
Being black and white
They see “no grey” in the middle
Because “they know they’re always right.”

You try to show them other views on life
But it’s just a waste of time
It’s like talking to a brick wall
Or on deaf ears
Because their thoughts are fixed in their minds

They laugh at you
And make fun of what you say
They look at you strange
But to me,
They’re the one’s that are deranged

They reckon they ARE open minded
But how can a person say this
When one’s not willing to listen
And open up to new experiences?

I think it’s really sad for people like this
Because how can someone become a better person and grow
When their mind’s are permanently closed.



age 23

Written 8/11/03

The only one

You lift me up
when i am down
you make me smile
when i have a frown
my heart starts to pound
when you're around

there is no other sound or thought
when you're with me
because you are
the only one on my mind

age 22
10/10/02

Reality bites

Nothing to say
but a million thoughts ponder
everywhere i look
i sit and wonder

Different faces
different places
going in opposite directions
but searching for the same connections

Some find it
but many are lost
some give up
no matter what the cost

Others think they've found it through drugs
or from the company of someone else
also maybe through material wealth

If we learn how to respect and love ourselves
and eachother
and to respect our earth we call our mother

we will no longer feel the need to search out there
it's within us all
just look inside and you will find
your way to escape and deal with it all

The power is in your mind


*age 22*


10/03/03

Do you have...

When you're down
erase that frown
open your eyes
and see what's around

Do you have a bed?
And other creature comforts?
Do you wake up to the smell
of freshly cooked crumpets?

Do you have a fridge?
and a cupboard full of food?
Can you go out and party whenever you're in the mood?

Do you have a good family?
And a few close friends?
People that will be there for you
until the very end

If you have any or all of these
then put a smile on your dial
and maybe you'll realise
that your life is worthwhile

*age 22*

friday 25 october 2002

Why do i feel this way?

Why do I feel this way?
My emotions are very strange
My body feels physically ill
And psychologically deranged

Mood swings from north to south
It seems like every chance they get
My body and mind need some release
They need some sort of outlet

Exaggerating every mood
And prolonging negative thoughts
I don’t know why I torture myself
When all it seems to do is hurt

Detached from the world
Including the people it seems
Everything looks surreal
As though I’m in a dream

I worry about my health everyday
And wonder when I’m going to die
I just hope before I do
I get over this
so I can fulfill my dreams
And live a long, happy, healthy and prosperous life

age 22

1:25am 15/8/02

To Naomi

There is a special bond
that only we can share
the sister love
that will always be there


The kind of closeness
we share together
the love and the trust
we'll have forever


You are very beautiful
and i love you very much
you are my SISTER
and that's something special
no one can touch


We've stuck by each other
through good times and bad
having you as my sister
makes me very glad


I'll always be there for you
and i'll always be true
You are NAOMI
my SISTER
and i very much...


Love You


*Love Harmony*

"IT'S" back!

I’m out there
What feels all alone
Oblivious to my surroundings
Looking for that safe place
Afraid of the unknown

Corrupting thoughts run through my mind
Then the physical symptoms start to roll
The fight is on to save myself
From the fear of losing control

Sweaty palms and shakiness
My heart starts to pound
I’m so scared I’m going to die or pass out
Every minute feels like an hour

Feeling a sense of derealisation
Seeing stationary objects move
Sensitive to any sound and light
My autonomic nervous system sends signals
Telling me that something’s not right

All of a sudden the fear has gone
And the symptoms start to decrease
Worn out from the physical and emotional turmoil
I think I’m ready for some sleep

Age 22
23/7/02

TRANCE

I hear you speak
and i feel sensations run through me
i feel your presence
and everytime i do feel free

You make me feel like no other lover
your warm embrace captures me like no other

Floating through space
dont want to leave this place
Floating through space
i'm in a trance like state

You've captured me with your trance
all i want to do is dance
the only place i feel safe
is in my trance like space

age 21
'2001'

Elee

You are the sunshine of my days
You are the warmth and security of my nights
You are the blossoming of flowers
You are the trickling of a waterfall
You are the sight of a luscious rainforest
You are the twinkle in a star
You are the sound of waves meeting the ocean shore
You are the scent of something natural
You are the sound of music
You are the touch of love
You are beautiful

*18 YRS OLD*
14/3/99

Karma Dog

Happy and vivacious
my little bundle of joy
as he runs around the yard
chewing up a little fluffy toy

But then he finds something a little more exciting
it's yellow, round and small
yes! it's that bloody tennis ball!

As he runs up with the tennis ball
he drops it at my feet
i throw the ball for him and try to have him beat

But Karma dog's to quick for me
as he leaps HIGH up in the air
and lands sturdy on his feet again
waiting for another dare

I throw the ball again for him
but this time all has been done
it's dissapeared amongst some part of the yard
and that's the end of all our fun

Not to worry... thinks little Karma dog
heading off toward the south
and comes running back with a smile on his dial
with a football hanging out of his mouth

Oh darn it! i think
not another ball
does this dog ever stop
he has more energy than any of us at all

Then finally...
i've worn him out
he has a drink of water
finds a spot amongst the grass
slowly closing his eyes and falling asleep
i've tired him out at last

Dedicated to my beautiful dog
KARMA
i love you

age 17
written 26/08/97

We have a right too!

I wrote this poem after watching an Opera Winfrey episode and this particular program was about parents with gay children and how they dis-owned them because they were disgraced by their sexuality.
The children were obviously very upset and wanted re conciliation.
I felt upset for these children and it inspired me to write the following poem.

I personally am not gay, although i have experimented.

What is your problem
why do you say
that being who i am
is wrong in every way?

If you thought i was normal
you'd treat me the same
until the moment you realised
then you put me to shame

Its DISCRIMINATION!

and im treated like a flu to stay away from
why cant you just except me for who i am
and for what i have become

FOR I AM GAY!

And i am proud to say
that i have as many rights as anyone else
So please treat me like im human
share those rights...
dont just keep them for yourself

As i walk down the street
hand in hand with my lover
people all look and stare
but if i was with the opposite sex
they wouldn't notice and wouldn't care

Then there's the anti gay groups
who disdain me from what i believe in
they tell me it's wrong and abnormal
and that i'm involved in some sort of sin

So how do they perceive 'normal'
through fights because of someone else's belief
if we had a right to be who we are
then there wouldn't be so much anger and grief

So this is why i keep it quiet
and keep it within my
it's my sexuality
and im not hurting anyone else

For everyone can be opinionative
and some people do have a nerve
and it's from this
i wish i was 'normal' sometimes
then i'd have the respect i deserve!

written by HARMONY BLYTH
age 15

MONDAY 22/5/95

Mikey

Life without you
Would be like...
Life without flowers
Life without air
Life without the sun
But when i look at you
The flowers bloom
The atmosphere's clean
And the sun comes shining through
Just remember
You're the one
And i'll always love you

written age 16

2/11/96

Reflections

I glance into the candlelight
I think about myself
And the people I care about

About my life
And how much it has changed
And keeps changing

About the important things
And things,
That are just so worthless to argue over.

Written 1996
age 16

MANY MOODS

As i sit here in the darkness

i feel a stream of pain run down my face

As the loneliness increases

i can feel the depression seep in

As the anger destroys me

i become a little some what destructive

As i feel hurt and used

i feel like seeking revenge

As i sit here

and think about how to resolve my problems

nothing seems to work out

or make sense

i can now taste the salt in my tears

as i don't understand why i'm feeling this way

It's times like these

i wish i could escape to...

"the sky of diamonds"

written 15/10/95

age 15

LIFE... (as we know it)

A flower grows
A flower dies
This is when
A flower cries

A new bud is grown
To take it's space
But the first flower
Cannot be replaced

The flower now gone
Is shot up like a dart
And will rest in the heavens
Until it makes a new start

Written age 14
5/12/94

memories

I remember the night
When we first met
It was at a disco
When our eyes had met

We danced together
And held each other tight
Making sure not one of us
Was out of sight

There are photos of us
In the park around flowers
It was so romantic
It brought out all the powers

But now that’s all gone
And so have you
But you remain in my heart
Because I still love you

24/11/93
13 yrs old